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About
10 years ago, my own grandparents housed a flock of cockatiels.
One was particularly attached to my grandfather. It was male.
It would regularly do this weird thing where it would sit
on the end of his finger, squat down, and furiously wiggle
its back end. Gramps claimed that it had an emotional complex,
that it thought it was a dog and was just wagging its tail.
But anyone who saw this act knew something very naughty was
going on (except maybe my Gramps). Again, we're talking about
kind, generous, devoutly religious grandparents. Could this
be a trend?
-The
Bobbing Is Really Doggie-Style
When
I was young, my pet pigeon, Brownie, used to masturbate on
my palm, depositing a small drop of yellowish sperm. I was
prepubescent at the time and did not realize at first what
he was doing, but I also lived on a farm in Iowa where I saw
other animals doing things, so after a bit I figured Brownie
out. Every morning he would be waiting for me on his perch.
I felt complimented by the bird, for, after all, I supposed
he could have had his pick of the ladies of his own species.
It's a quirky world.
-Mike
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Just
to add in a bit of biology to the grandma/parakeet forbidden-love
story: Birds have a biologically set developmental window
in which they figure out what makes an appropriate mate. Basically,
whatever species the bird is exposed to during this time period,
he or she will forever see as mate material (the process is
called sexual imprinting). In this case, the bird was probably
raised by people and may not have had any exposure to other
birds during this critical period. He is simply courting the
only available mate around. So your bird-shop buddy was right
in that giving Pretty Baby another bird probably wouldn't
help, but not just because birds are picky (though they can
be). Also, this is not unusual at all (well, probably the
indulgences given by the grandma are, but not unusual on the
bird's side). A common problem with large birds in particular
is that they court and pair-bond with a human (whether the
human knows it or not) and jealously attack other humans (i.e.,
their owner's husband or boyfriend) who try to make it a threesome.
-Platonic
Birdlover
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When
I was 12, I had a parakeet named Little Buddy. I learned that
parakeets are attracted to mirrors and things that look like
other birds. In my adult life, I now realize that they must
be incredibly stupid animals if they do not recognize mirrored
glass for what it is and not another parakeet, but that is
neither here nor there. Whenever Little Buddy saw something
that he thought was another bird, he would peck at it, chirp,
and spit up seeds on it. One day, my dad was barefoot while
I had the bird out on the floor. Little Buddy walked over
to my dad's feet and started pecking at his big toenail. My
dad has the gross, callused feet of a workingman, which in
no way look anything like a small bird. Little Buddy started
spitting up seeds and when he started humping away at my dad's
big toe, I grabbed him and put him back in his cage. Anytime
my dad's feet came into view of his cage, he would start chirping
or he would bite if I put him away while my dad was barefoot.
The moral here is that parakeets are sick, fucked-up animals
and you should keep them away from the ones you love.
-Cassie
S.
I
had to write after reading the letter from Polly Wanna Wanker.
My grandmother also had a rather erotic relationship with
the family bird. Fortunately, she had no idea what she was
doing. The relationship developed slowly. Grandma took over
Mendle's feeding (yes, Mendle) because I was, I admit, an
irresponsible kid and never fed the poor bird.
One day, I happened to come into the living room when Grandma
was feeding her. Mendle's tail was sticking straight up, her
head feathers were pulled back, and she was making a strange
purring sound. "Stop growling, Mendle," Grandma
cooed at her, "I'm getting your food." Mendle followed
her, tail in the air, "growling" intensely as Grandma
moved around the room. Grandma never figured out that our
little bird was trying to have a trans-species lesbian relationship
with her.
-Bird
Love
I
had a female friend a few years ago who had a bird that would
hump her hand as well. My friend was young, attractive, married,
and a mother; very different from the lonely grandma in the
letter you printed this week. I was going to housesit for
her when she went out of town, so she was showing me where
the bird food was, etc. She took the bird out of its cage
and it perched on her hand, chirping away, but then began
to hump her finger. I wasn't sure what the hell was going
on, but then she told me he does it all the time. He finished,
she washed her hands, and that was that. I wasn't sure what
to think about it, and then I just forgot about it until I
saw this letter. Anyway, apparently there is more than one
bird owner who lets herself be used as a love doll.
-Chris
F.
The
parakeet thing is real. My husband's (male) parakeet, which
first had a significant attraction to some patio furniture,
would sit on my husband's shoulder and climb up on his head.
There, the bird sometimes started humping, but my husband
never let him proceed. We got rid of the bird a few months
after I moved in; it started screeching nonstop, probably
out of jealousy. He lives in a bird sanctuary now, hopefully
with a birdfriend.
-Evil
Stepmother
Hi!
Someone sent me the URL to a letter that PWW wrote to you
about her grandmother finger-fucking her bird. I just wanted
to say that my male bird used to sit on my finger and do the
same thing when I was a youngster. I didn't know what he was
doing until my sister told me; then I stopped letting him
do it.
-Greenie
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Hi
Dan! Here's something I never thought I'd e-mail you about:
Ten years ago I dated this guy-we often spent time at his
family home. They had a pet parakeet in their house. No one
paid much attention to it, so I started whistling and talking
to it any time I came over and, interestingly enough, it would
always perk up and usually would sing when I stopped by its
cage. We all found this to be quite amusing, so I started
making a point of paying attention to the bird often. One
day, they decided it would be fun to let the bird out of the
cage. Once the door was opened, that bird flew straight to
me and landed on my shoulder. I held out my hand and he hopped
onto it, sang a little, and then started trying to hump my
hand! I totally freaked out (as did the rest of the family)
and they managed to get the bird back into the cage after
chasing it away from me. There were no more out-of-cage opportunities
for it when I was around. Thanks for reviving the freakish
memory of humping birds!
-Birds
That Hump Are No Joke
Back
when my wife and I were college roommates living in sin, we
(she) had a cockatiel that really, really liked her. While
there was no creepy bird-sex talk about "giving Grandma
lovin'," she would let the bird relieve himself on her
hand when he was in the mood. After a minute or so (which
the drawing of the bird captured amazingly well), she would
go wash the little wet spot off her hand. No big deal. And
nothing sexual for her.
At least I don't think so.
-Jim
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My
sister used to have a cockatiel. Sometimes we would let it
walk around outside of the cage. I was watching TV, kicking
back in my favorite recliner. Mickey, the cockatiel, ambled
down to my foot, whistled a few times, and started shuffling
his tail feathers around my ankle. It felt kind of funny at
first but eventually I figured things out: The damn thing
was having sex with my foot. It wasn't too bad, though, because
male birds don't have peckers, if you catch my drift.
I thought the whole thing was kind of funny, so more and more
when Mickey was out of his cage, I'd give him a little action.
I made a game of it. I'd lie down and provoke him by wiggling
my toes around and pointing my foot straight up. He'd scurry
to the base of my foot and start whistling. He couldn't talk
like grandma's love bird, but he would sure whistle up a storm.
Then I'd lay my foot down ?at and he'd do his business, occasionally
nipping on my toes with his beak. Finally, after climaxing,
Mickey would run all the way across my prone body to hiss
at my face. I guess he liked feet but not head.
-Bird
Lover Too
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I'm
a 15-year-old heterosexual male cockatiel and I just had to
write when I saw your response to Polly Wanna Wanker. Dude,
that column was not ?t to line my cage. What are you doing,
discouraging bird owners from helping guys like me get off?!
How would you like it if you had no hands and some smart-ass
advice columnist told everyone that if they helped you get
off they were sick fucks? What gives?!
If I understand you correctly, humans can pee on each other,
fart in each other's faces, lick each other's asses, and eat
menstrual blood, and that's all cool. But a little basic relief
for a loving and loyal feathered friend like me is out of
the question. Thanks, man.
And I gotta ask, how can a guy like you, who's supposedly
seen it all, not know that all male birds wank? At least all
male birds of certain species, of which I am one. I don't
know a male bird that doesn't beat off on its owner. I even
know some female birds that do. Where have your experts been?
Where have you been?
Lucky for me, my particular owner is demented enough to be
thrilled to have earned your "sick fuck" designation
and isn't deterred at all from continuing to help me out.
She always thought she was far too vanilla to show up on your
radar. Imagine our collective surprise! But what of all those
bird owners who may be shamed out of action by your insensitive
response?
Many of us domestic birds sacrifice the company of other birds
in order to be the caring companions of our human owners.
We eat meals with them, sit on their shoulders while they
work, cuddle up to them when they're sick, and love them no
matter what. In exchange, our owners feed us, play with us,
and give us a nice home to live in. And if they really care
about us, they help us get off because they know that, like
any other dude, a bird's got needs.
Bird sexuality is perfectly normal and healthy just like human
sexuality is, Dan. We're here, we like to hump humans, get
used to it.
-Murdoch
in Vancouver
mail@savagelove.net
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