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Let’s
Talk About It
Premarital
counseling can help couples identify relationship hot spots
and learn tools for managing conflicts
By
Melissa Mansfield
How are you going to spend Christmas after you have children?
Psychotherapist Keli Rugenstein asks couples this question
as they prepare to get married. She uses the question to highlight
that something that is full of good memories and good feelings
can also cause conflict.
“Most
couples come in believing that their love will carry them
through everything and don’t have a realistic grasp of what
could be facing them,” she says.
Some premarital counseling focuses on questionnaires to get
the couples talking. At Samaritan Counseling Center of the
Capital Region, couples come in for three one-hour interviews,
where they discuss their relationship histories and “families
of origin.”
“Looking
at both of those aspects of their past can be very revealing
as far as people handle stress, how people handle disagreement,
what sort of things can become stressful for one and not the
other,” she explains. “A good way to begin is to ask them
about their wedding plans. Who’s involved in making them,
who is being pushy, who can’t be invited. That is a good springboard
to figure out how families handle stress, because planning
a wedding is stressful.”
At the end of the sessions, Rugenstein writes the couple a
report, outlining things to look out for in the future, so
the couple is not surprised, and can be prepared for the conflicts.
In her six years of practice, she has never written the same
report twice, and she has never seen a hopeless couple.
Most of the couples she sees are required or recommended to
attend counseling by clergy members. Half are first-timers,
others come to talk about remarriage and how to handle parenting.
Rugenstein notes that the issues a couple faces are not what
make or break the relationship. The success of a relationship
depends on how the partners handle what comes their way.
“People
can go through horrible traumas and they come out at the end
with a stronger relationship. The relationship took them through
it. There are others whose relationship falls apart after
the trauma. It could be the exact same issue.”
For those without the time or resources for in-person premarital
counseling, the Internet can help show couples some things
to think about.
There are Web sites, often with corresponding premarital books,
that outline potential problems. Stayhitched.com, which promotes
its Marriage Success Training seminars, lists over a dozens
sections of prewedding topics with fairly helpful articles.
“Your Mother and You,” “Cold Feet” and “Balancing Togetherness
and Individuality” offer a variety of approaches for handling
common problems (your mother is going through major changes
with this wedding, many couples have doubts, how many hours
of non-TV couple time to have each week).
Online inventories (you get their official report after payment)
have many, many questions couples can talk about. Some offer
statements to consider and rate on a sliding scale: In my
marriage it would not bother me if the wife earned more income
than the husband; mothers have a more natural ability than
fathers in relating to infants and toddlers; one or more of
my family members struggled with addictions to alcohol or
other drugs.
Couples can use the questions to see what stood out for them,
what made them chuckle, and what they think would be good
to discuss further.
“Learning
to be in a relationship is an effort for anybody,” Rugenstein
says. “There is no perfect couple. Time, conflict and life
get in the way. But couples can learn if they don’t already
have the skills, they can learn how to make it work.”
2008
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