Tao of the Tree Climb
for the perfect summer escape? Get higher, baby
located the perfect tree, plotted the course, and exerted
yourself, if ever so slightly, upon the methodical ascent.
You added a few fresh scratches to your shins and wrists,
and—if you’ve climbed high enough—there’s a slight burn
in your shoulders and thighs. From here you can stretch
out your legs or pop a squat or just let ’em dangle; either
way, you’re up there. You’ve climbed a tree, quite possibly
the most perfect summertime activity regardless of your
mood or company.
where better to cool out on a sweltering summer afternoon
than splayed out in the branches of an easily accessible
tree? Sure, you’ll break a sweat, but once you’re up there,
even the slightest breeze that passes will spread a fine
chill over your dermis. As for that burning, bastard sun,
eff it; you’ll be encased in shade! And if a breeze doesn’t
exist and the shade doesn’t suffice, there’s always the
frosty beverage you carefully lodged into your back pocket—doubly
satisfactory, first just being a cold beverage on a summer’s
day and then again for being unspilled, stowed goods.
Looking for a hazy-day activity to kill some time with a
new flame? Consider the possibilities of furthering the
courtship of a new romance in the branches of a favorite
climbing tree. There’s the lazy walk down the path or through
the fields to your carefully selected, secluded spot. Then
there’s all the hoisting, pushing and pulling as the two
of you make your way into the canopy. Now that you’re ready
to settle, there is the careful perching and stretching
of limbs to ensure that your bared summertime flesh will
touch as you while the hours away.
And if love isn’t in the stars, there’s no better place
to pine away than the canopy of an oak tree. Trust that
your somber ascent will be well worth the effort: Once perched
in your tree branches, you’ll be shielded from the world,
and the whistles and whispers of the breeze through the
leaves will drown out the noises from all that is below—and
maybe even the clamor in your head. Left alone with your
thoughts, you can ruminate on suicide, death and destruction.
Or just relax.
Feeling wily and wishing to act out as a total punk-ass?
Trees make great places to station oneself for a day of
fuckerdom. There’s the obvious, juvenile joy to be had from
shouting profanities at the top of your lungs or calling
people names from a secluded location. A well- foliated
tree in a populated area makes a great roost for aerial
assaults with little branches or fragments of bark. Sure,
you could kill a couple hours like that. Or you could get
creative. It is no small wonder how realistically similar
to bird droppings the partially chewed chunk of Hershey’s
Cookies & Cream candy bar looks. A passerby caught unaware
and a well-aimed spit and . . . well, I’ll just let you
try it yourself.
When your time in the tree is done, there is still adventure
to be had in the dismount. Oh, the anxiety and care of the
tentative steps back down, always wondering why the distance
between the steps seem so much more heading back to the
ground than on the way up. Then you’ve reached the last
branch and it’s decision time: Step right off or wiggle
your way into a dangle so you can drop from a lesser height.
Either way, woe is the mighty shoe shock upon returning
It’s patently good advice, my friends: Take some time this
summer to find a tree and make your way to the top. I hear
they’re in season.