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Best Thing That Could Happen to Albany

Professional sports team . . . more Republicans . . . having First Night once a month . . . art galleries and shops at the Albany Armory . . . better schools . . . a subway connecting Albany, Troy, Schenectady and Saratoga , Williamstown and Bennington . . . Convention center . . . clean up Arbor Hill . . . build a zoo . . . an aquarium . . . commuter train service . . . new superintendent . . . permit parking . . . rehire Christian D’Alessandro . . . a faster train to New York City . . . more music venues . . . pass a fucking budget . . . contested elections . . . Scaringe memorial . . . a meteorite hits the student ghetto . . . put a kick-ass bakery on Lark Street . . . all cars are banned . . . David Soares becomes D.A.

Best Thing That Could Happen to Troy
The Wrath of God . . . a fire . . . an earthquake . . . a millionaire could buy up blocks at a time, fully restoring buildings and renting them out . . . open a BDSM club . . . lower taxes . . . tear down vacant buildings and houses . . . the entire city takes a shower . . . get rid of Joe Bruno . . . get rid of the porn shops . . . a return of shirt collars . . . a Pottery Barn . . . money growing on trees . . . Godzilla . . . legalized prostitution . . . annexed by Cohoes . . . Sandy Horowitz pays his taxes

Best Thing That Could Happen to Schenectady
Sudden, large sink hole . . . more cops . . . return of Adult World . . . change its name to Electric City . . . raze it and start again with no politicians . . . reconstruction . . . get rid of crime. . . honest planning and work and prayer . . . GE cleans up and sells its vast brownfields . . . Trump moves there to develop . . . rename it Dischenectady. . . anything
Best Thing That Could Happen to Saratoga Springs
Kill the rich . . . fewer bars . . . more restaurants . . . open a go-go bar . . . beer springs . . . kick out all the liberals . . . get rid of the damn racetrack, the horses deserve better . . . smoking in bars . . . a casino . . . cheaper housing but upscale people . . . train to Albany . . . Mary Lou lives to 100 . . . do not fuck with Saratoga Springs . . . people stop whining about ballet . . . more swimming pools . . . a de-snobbing

Best Use of Public Funds
Eliot Spitzer’s salary . . . Medicaid . . . police . . . dredging the Hudson . . . Albany Public Library . . . the plays in Washington Park . . . Palace Theater rebuild . . . securing farmland . . . Metroplex . . . NYSERDA grants . . . Albany convention center

Best Misuse of Public Funds
Tearing down the trees on Lark Street . . . public employees . . . new Albany middle school on Kelton Court . . . dredging the Hudson . . . Rensselaer Amtrak . . . Pepsi Arena . . . Joe Bruno Stadium . . . Pataki’s salary . . . Albany convention center . . . the Riverwalk . . . Troy police department . . . Metroplex . . . the Palace marquee . . . giving state employees the day off for Reagan

Best Way to Lure People to the Capital Region
Convince them we are a separate state and Pataki is not our governor . . . beer at Alive at Five . . . jobs . . . Hooters . . . monorail . . . she-male gogo bar . . . artificial heater in the winter . . . porn . . . candy . . . don’t tell them about Schenectady . . . kidnapping . . . graffiti all cement structures at UAlbany . . . new slogan: “It’s HUGE!” . . . more trees . . . the music scene . . . free parking . . . better drugs

Best Time to Be Had in the Capital Region for Under $10
Movies . . . roller skating . . . watching drug deals in the Crossgates food court . . . sex in a graveyard . . . capture the flag at the Plaza . . . five pints at Bombers Happy Hour . . . four beers at the Palais . . . people-watching in Washington Park . . . New Year’s Eve celebrations . . . Rkstar open mic . . . seeing Sirsy . . . talking to smokers outside of bars . . . picnic at the Park Playhouse

Best Place to See and Be Seen
Jim’s . . . Thompson’s Lake nude beach . . . Saratoga racetrack . . . Alive at Five . . . Waterworks . . . the Big House . . . Bombers . . . McGuire’s . . . the Luna Lounge . . . any Metroland party . . . the bathroom at Phoenix . . . Jack’s . . . Washington Park . . . Sign of the Tree

Best Place to See Without Being Seen
Malls . . . Petersburg pass . . . the wine bar on Lark . . . Thacher Park . . . the library . . . Altamont Scottish Games . . . the Bathhouse . . . Travers Day

Best Thing That Could Happen to the ’Burbs
Movie theaters . . . Tech Valley . . . less development . . . sidewalks . . . stop the sprawl . . . Taco Bells . . . closing the roads in the Pine Bush and expanding the preserve . . . build a downtown . . . a good fish market . . . alien invasion . . . Whole Foods . . . gas for $10 a gallon . . . a ban on vinyl siding and minivans

Best Evidence That the Region Is Looking Up
Packed churches . . . we got Krispy Kreme . . . smoking ban . . . increase in housing prices . . . people are bumping into things . . . more graduates are staying local . . . NYC ballet continues . . . new public transit (the #7 bus) . . . gay pride

Best Evidence That We’re Going to Hell in a Handbasket
Wal-Marts are taking over the world . . . gay marriage . . . the Catholic Church . . . children at Hooters . . . the Republicans are still around . . . St. Lawrence cement . . . George Bush . . . Michael Moore . . . Karen Hitchcock’s departure . . . the firing of commander D’Alessandro . . . new Alive at Five regulations . . . children not being baptized Lutheran . . . dependence on automobiles . . . the casinos . . . Queer Eye for the Straight Guy . . . Clifton Park . . . Federal Marriage Amendment . . . Count the Stars broke up . . . cops shooting innocent people

Best Local Celebrity With Whom You’d Like to Have a One-Night Stand
Liz Bishop . . . Jerry Jennings . . . Rensselaer County D.A. Trish DeAngelis . . . Tracy Egan . . . Ann Hughes . . . Susan Arbetter . . . Melanie Kramer of Sirsy . . . Kristina Krawchuk . . . Alan Chartock . . . Megan Baker . . . Benita Zahn . . . Alice Green . . . Matt from Bombers . . . Amy Polacko . . . Noah Francis . . . Bob Kovachick . . . Lydia Kulbida . . . Alan Ilagan . . . Ilkka Pikkarainen . . . Valerie DeLaCruz . . . the Tulip Queen . . . DJ Turnstyle . . . Mike Grosshandler . . . Tess at Lark Tavern . . . Mike Trash . . . Greg Haymes . . . Jen Eastman-Conquest cheerleader . . . Shawn Stone . . . Billy Fuccillo-He’s HUGE!

Best-Kept Secret in the Capital Region
Guptill’s low-carb ice cream . . . it’s a toxic waste dump . . . Nation Jam Productions . . . Magic Wigs Production Inc. . . .Yaddo gardens . . . eba . . . the VD . . . why I stay . . . that I love it here . . . Peebles Island State Park . . . David Soares is running for D.A. . . . Café 1795

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