|
My
girlfriend and I have been together for two years and while
it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, we are not sexually
compatible. Her ideal amount of sex would be twice a month.
For me the number is closer to once a day. We’ve reached a
compromise that usually comes out to three times a week, but
that number leaves her feeling oversexed and me feeling undersexed.
The reason she claims to not like sex is because she is usually
unable to climax without fantasizing that she is being drugged
and taken advantage of by evil research scientists. I have
offered to buy props (lab coat, clipboard, drug paraphernalia,
etc.) and role-play this fantasy with her, but she has asked
me not to, saying that she feels “broken” for having this
fantasy and doesn’t want to make things worse. I’ve finally
persuaded her to agree to try it, but only if I can get an
expert’s assurance that going through with it is not likely
to make things worse. Any help you can give would be greatly
appreciated.
—Undersexed
Because of Evil Scientists
P.S.
She says she doesn’t count a sex-advice columnist as an “expert,”
but might be persuaded if you got an actual sex therapist
to comment.
Hopefully the long string of letters, periods, commas, and
parentheses after Yvonne K. Fulbright’s name—MS Ed., Ph.D.
(c)—will impress your girlfriend. Fulbright is the author
of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex (Hunter House, 2003),
and according to her website (www.yvonnekfulbright.com), she’s
“ . . . a media darling often described as the Dr. Ruth of
Generation Y.” Yvonne’s Web site lists every publication she’s
ever graced with a quote—which seems a bit desperate to me
but, hey, I’m no expert—and she’s got a few choice quotes
for your girlfriend. Unfortunately they’re probably not what
you want her to hear, UBOES:
“Sexual
compatibility isn’t the problem here. Your girlfriend is the
‘victim’ of a much larger issue—the guilty complex your girlfriend
has for engaging in sex. Her fantasy reeks of sexual inhibition,
most likely due to negative messages about sex growing up
or perhaps sexual abuse. Furthermore, its elements of force
and being overpowered scream taboo rape fantasy, which is
fairly common in both sexes. . . . Such fantasies can be great
fun and healthy forms of sexual expression if they’re acted
out in safe, secure, consensual sexual relationships.
It is important to keep in mind, however, that studies on
rape fantasies have found that women whose sexual fantasies
involve men using force rate themselves as feeling more frightened,
guilty, and disgusted. They also report being less happy and
less likely to act on their fantasies.
“Acting
out this fantasy is not going to solve the problem at hand,”
i.e. the amount of sex you’re having. “It may get her off,
[but] she’s still going to have her complex with sex and feel
oversexed. In addressing this issue, your first step is to
reassure your girlfriend that it’s okay to have such fantasies—that
there is nothing wrong with them and she has nothing to feel
guilty about. Second, don’t push acting out the fantasy unless
she wants to. A lot of people would rather not act out their
fantasies for fear that actualization could taint erotic reactions
and diminish arousal. (Plus, in some cases fantasies can scare
the crap out of us and acting them out may simply cause further
trauma.) Third, work with your girlfriend on identifying a
professional who can help her with her issues, with the American
Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (www.aasect.org)
being a great place to start.”
I hope that helped, UBOES, but I kind of doubt it. Like a
lot of advice proffered by “sex experts,” Yvonne’s advice
seems designed to drive your poor girlfriend out of her mind.
“There is nothing wrong with [her fantasies] and she has nothing
to feel guilty about,” Yvonne says, “[but] actualization could
taint erotic reactions and diminish arousal [and] may simply
cause further trauma.” Rape fantasies, says Yvonne, can be
“great fun and healthy forms of sexual expression,” but women
who have them are “frightened, guilty, and disgusted . . .
less happy and less likely to act on their fantasies.” If
this is expert advice—“Your fantasies are normal, you disgusting
freak, and they can lead to wonderful sexual experiences unless,
of course, they ruin your sex life forever
. . . ”—I’ll stick with the amateur variety, thanks.
Our expert can’t even bring herself to answer the question:
What should you do? Instead, she recommends—didn’t see that
one coming!—counseling. Like a lot of sex experts, Yvonne
has probably never met a kink that didn’t qualify someone
for therapy. I don’t mean to be an ungracious host—Yvonne
is my guest expert, after all—but Yvonne is the kind of sex
expert who gets on my nerves. She presents herself as young,
hip, and sex-positive, but she peddles the same old fear and
repression that sex “experts” have trafficked in since they
were telling us that masturbation kills. Dr. Ruth? More like
Dr. No.
Since Yvonne won’t answer the question, let me: Should you
go through with it? Is it likely to make things worse?
Yes, UBOES’ girlfriend, you should go for it. No, it’s not
likely to make things worse. It’s been my experience—personally,
professionally (and I’ve been at this a lot longer than Yvonne)—that
when people “actualize” long-suppressed fantasies with a caring
partner they not only get off, they also feel a tremendous
sense of relief. That feeling of relief is usually followed
in quick succession by feelings of “Why the fuck did I wait
so long?” “What was I so afraid of?” and finally, “When can
we do it again?”
The fact of the matter, young miss, is that your fantasies
are not going to go away and besides the blazingly obvious—no
shit: your fantasies have something to do with overcoming
your sexual inhibitions though eroticized helplessness—you’re
not going to get much out of therapy. And far from making
matters worse, acting on harmless sexual fantasies, however
bizarre, frequently diminishes their relative importance to
your sexual inner life. Forbidding yourself to act on a sexual
fantasy is like forbidding yourself to think about bananas—it
makes it hard to think of anything else, you know? If you
would just relax, embrace your fantasies, and appreciate the
goldmine you’re sitting on the form of a dreamy GGG boyfriend,
you’ll be a much happier and more sexually fulfilled person.
You may even be able to climax thinking of something else,
i.e. you’ll feel less “broken,” not more, once you give yourself
permission to act on these fantasies.
But, hey, don’t take my word for it. I’ve got a couple of
bonus guest experts for you: Sebastian and Laurel Wood of
MedicalToys.com, “the largest provider of medical toys, products,
and apparel for the medical fetish, nurse fetish, and medical
BDSM scene on the web.” Like Yvonne, they’re experts—only
the Woods are experts, authors, and lecturers on medical fetish,
which is the proper name for your kink.
“When
we founded MedicalToys.com we did so to give adults like this
man’s girlfriend the opportunity to understand that this is
a very common fetish and desire,” says Sebastian. The first
thing the Woods wanted you to know, UBOES, is that you’re
not a freak: “We have a very large customer base in the U.S.,
thousands of customers, all of whom have similar desires.”
Like me, Laurel and Sebastian thought you should give your
evil-scientist fetish a whirl. “It is healthy to explore these
fantasies in a safe environment (like with a lover),” says
Laurel, “and it is healthier than suppressing these thoughts.
mail@savagelove.net
|
Columns
& Opinions
