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Tracking
roughly the last year’s worth of Savage Love, I noticed that
you have published a total of 37 of your readers’ letters.
This works out to an average of 3.08 letters published in
each column. How many letters do you receive each week, on
average? I am really curious to know what the odds are of
having a letter published in your column.
—Crazy
About Numbers
It’s
a lazy, hot summer day and I don’t feel like breaking a sweat.
So I’m going to take it easy and pull a few letters from the
ATC file—that’s “About the Column,” not “All Things Considered”—and
answer my readers’ burning questions about how I make my living.
OK, what are the odds of getting a letter into the column?
Not good, CAN. I get on average 8,000 pieces of e-mail every
week—and that’s after spam. (A note on spam: Most people can
safely delete e-mail with subject lines like “small dick,”
“anal to mouth action,” or “lesbian animal sex.” Not me. I
have to open those e-mails because they could be legit Savage
Love questions that touch on those distressing topics.) About
50 percent of the non-spam mail is from people who don’t have
questions for me, CAN, they just think I’m an idiot and want
to tell me so. Another 25 percent is from people who think
I’m wonderful and want to tell me so.
I don’t take the hate/love imbalance to heart—whether you’re
talking advice columns, op-ed columns, or sports columns,
ticked-off people are likelier to write in and vent. I print
the negative letters frequently, as any regular reader knows,
but never letters of praise. I mean, what kind of insecure
bag of slop prints letters of praise in his own column?
The final 25 percent—about 2,000 letters—contains actual questions.
Since I use about three questions per week, the odds of a
particular question getting into the column are not only slim,
CAN, they’re satanic. People who send in actual questions—not
criticism, not praise, but sex questions—have a 1 in 666 chance
of seeing their questions in the column. Funny how that pencils
out, huh?
My girlfriend wrote a sex column for her college newspaper
last year that was mostly about our sex life. I loved the
fact she was suddenly a lot more experimental (always looking
out for new column ideas!), and I loved having all the other
guys on campus know just what kind of awesome sex I was having.
Being with her made me wonder about your partner. Does he
dig having the world know all about his sex life?
—J.
Shaft
Does
the world know all about my boyfriend’s sex life? No, the
world does not. You see, JS, unlike most college sex columnists,
I don’t write about my own sex life—and it’s going to stay
that way. If I want to keep getting into my boyfriend’s pants,
I have to keep him out of the column. That’s our deal. On
those rare occasions when I have mentioned details about my
sex life, JS, it’s almost always bullshit I’ve made up for
its shock value. Like when I wrote about having a three-way
with Trent Ford and Jim Romenesko—that never happened, JS,
it was a lie.
When did one man become the expert on love and dating?
Excuse me, a “sexpert.” So tell us all how love works, Mr.
Sexpert. You will not respond to this e-mail because I am
not one of your followers and it will serve nothing to promote
your career.
—Danger
Boy
I’ve
never claimed to be an expert, DB, so lay the fuck off. “Sex
expert” and—ugh!—“sexpert” are terms that others have slapped
on me, not terms I’ve ever used to describe myself (at least
not without making little quote signs with my fingers and
rolling my eyes). What I am is an advice columnist—and I’m
not the only one on earth, so “one man” is not “the expert
on love and dating”—and according to Webster’s, “advice”
means “an opinion about what could or should be done.” The
only qualification you need to give someone your advice is
having been asked for it. People ask for my advice, I give
it to them. That’s my job. Is my advice “expert”? Dunno. But
if I gave unhelpful, useless advice, DB, people would stop
asking for my advice, right?
As to how love works, well, no one knows the answer to that
one. We all know love when we feel it but the particulars
vary so widely, the feeling is so subjective, that making
generalizations about love is hardly worth the effort. I mean,
what looks and feels like love to me would, I promise you,
leave you sexually, emotionally, and spiritually traumatized.
(Or should I say, “more traumatized than your letter indicates
you are already”?)
I met these two boys at a bar and I thought they were both
really nice, and kinda cute. I talked to them for a bit, but
the club was closing so I couldn’t really get intense with
them, but what I did learn was that they both work for an
advice column. Now, they wouldn’t tell me which one, but I
think I might’ve figured it out on my own. Just maybe. . .
. hmmm. . . .
—Amanda
It’s
been a long, long time since I’ve had two boys working under
me, Amanda, and the last time it happened I was in Las Vegas
with Trent Ford, Jim Romenesko, and eight rolls of duct tape.
The boys you met must work for Carolyn Hax.
Do you ever get follow-up e-mails from readers who’ve used
your advice? I don’t know if this would be divulging a trade
secret or anything, but what is your overall success rate?
What I mean is, after people have taken your advice, does
it have the desired effect they wanted it to have? I would
be very interested to read a column or two devoted to Dan
success (or failure) stories!
—Curious
in Cleveland
It’s
an interesting idea, CIC. If anyone out there took my advice
and survived and wants to vent and/or share, please send your
story to youruinedmylife@savagelove.net.
If I get enough responses, I’ll devote an upcoming column
to my few successes and many failures.
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I’ve been reading your column for nearly a year and I’ve
noticed something. You rarely post letters of praise. Do you
get them? I wanted to let you know that there are many people
out there who enjoy your work very much and want it known.
I understand that the negative letters are more fun to respond
to. But give your fans a voice, too! We can always count on
you to give your honest opinion and keep an open mind regarding
any issue [Ed. Note: Except the issue of vaginas, of course].
It’s nice to see somebody who is just as willing to give a
verbal slap in the face to members of his own community (your
tough approach to gay men who spread HIV) as you are to give
praise to those you’re not particularly a part of (like Canadians).
I, for one, would like your audience to know that we appreciate
your work. Job well done!
—Dan’s
Biggest Canadian Fan
Aw,
shucks. Thanks.
mail@savagelove.net
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