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I
was talking with my Rush Limbaugh- quoting uncle and gay marriage
came up. I told him that gay men and lesbians wanted nothing
more than their human rights. I told him that telling part
of the population that they can live as “partners” but not
get married is separate and unequal. He responded by saying
that anal sex is “unhealthy” and insisted that all old gay
men wear colostomy bags. He said a doctor told him this. I
know he is full of shit, and you know he is. The problem is
that I had no research to back up my argument. I tried Googling
“anal sex” and I found some great websites. None of them were
very academic, however. So my question is this: Could you
give me some resources that back me up?
—Suffering
Under Redneck Fallacies
Some
old gay guys wear colostomy bags, SURF, just like some old
straight guys. Some old straight girls wear ’em too, as do
some old dykes. But anal sex doesn’t correlate with any of
the medical conditions that can saddle people with colostomy
bags. According to The Merck Manual of Medical Information,
colorectal cancer, for instance, frequently leaves its victims
dependent on colostomy bags. And who’s at highest risk of
developing colorectal cancer? Male homosexuals? Nooooo, “People
at highest risk tend to consume a high-fat, low-fiber diet,”
reads Merck. So you can tell your uncle that his lard-assed
pal Rush Limbaugh is likelier to wind up with a colostomy
bag than, say, a svelte old buttfuckee. (For the record: Not
all gay men are buttfuckers/buttfuckees, and not all buttfuckers/
buttfuckees are gay men. And if digging anal means you’re
not fit to marry, well, I know a lot of straight couples out
there who don’t qualify.)
But really, SURF, why bother? Even if you convince your uncle
that anal sex is healthy and natural and that colostomy bags
are equal-opportunity waste elimination devices, he’ll just
latch on to some other excuse to justify his bigotry. It’s
not like your uncle was pro-gay until he heard the news from
his imaginary doctor friend, right? He was a bigot before
colostomy bags came into his life and he’ll be a bigot even
after you read all 1,906 pages of The Merck Manual
aloud to him. Anti-gay bigots are like that, SURF. They
have a way of latching on to whatever argument is handy, no
matter how irrational or easily disproved, and if someone
does disprove it they quickly discover some other reason why
we’re sick and twisted. Take gay animals. Homophobes used
to argue that homosexuality was unnatural because no other
animals engaged in it. When scientists finally admitted that,
yes, animals do engage in homosexual acts, the bigots
turned around and insisted that homosexuality is disgusting
because animals engage in it.
On the subject of homosexuality, SURF, some people who are
opposed to gay rights are reasonable and some are not. When
you meet a reasonable opponent, well, reason with him. But
when you encounter someone whose entire argument against gay
civil equality revolves around an irrational fear of anal
sex, well, it’s just not worth the time and effort. (What’s
your uncle got against lesbians? Tooth decay?) Your uncle
has his head up his ass, SURF, and he likes it. Let him enjoy
the sensation.
Oh, and speaking of Rush Limbaugh and the sanctity of marriage:
Mr. Limbaugh announced last week that he and his wife are
getting divorced after 10 years of marriage. Limbaugh is now
three for three: three marriages, three divorces. If social
conservatives like wee Gary Bauer are truly interested in
protecting marriage, shouldn’t they be pressing for some sort
of “three strikes” law that protects marriage from heterosexuals
like Limbaugh?
Oh, and speaking of Gary Bauer, I once sat in a church and
listened to Bauer tell a crowd of evangelical Christians that
liberals believed “homosexual unions are the moral equivalent
of your marriages.” This elicited much booing and hissing.
But I’m going to go out on a limb and declare my homosexual
union to be morally superior to a lot of heterosexual marriages.
My boyfriend and I have been together 10 years and, unlike
Mr. Limbaugh and his three lucky exes, we’re still going strong.
If longevity is any measure of a relationship’s success—and
it is, according to religious conservatives, who insist that
gay men aren’t fit for marriage due to the alleged instability
of our relationships—our homosexual union is not only morally
superior to Limbaugh’s three failed marriages but to all of
J.Lo’s marriages too.
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You’ve praised Canada for being sensible on issues of reproductive
choice and gay marriage. That’s great, but these important
issues are at risk in our federal election on June 28, 2004.
Some candidates want to roll back gay marriage rights and
limit access to Plan B, the morning-after pill. And while
younger Canadians tend to be more progressive on these issues,
they are less likely to vote. Please engage your Canadian
readers in an election discussion of their own, Dan. If they’re
choice-loving, gay-marriage-supporting types like me, it will
quickly become apparent which candidates deserve their precious
vote.
—Venting
on the Election
There
isn’t really time to engage my Canadian readers in a discussion
about your upcoming election, VOTE, as it’s just days away.
Instead I’ll just order my Canadian readers to vote for Paul
Martin and his Liberal Party allies or, if possible, for any
New Democratic Party candidates with a real shot. Scandal,
schmandal, people! Sensible people in the United States are
relying on Canada to continue being more politically and socially
progressive than our own government. It allows us to point
north and say, “See? Gay marriage, a single-payer health care
system, and moves toward decriminalizing pot won’t cause the
country to implode. They’re doing all of that and more up
in Canada, for Christ’s sake, and the sky hasn’t fallen.”
Vote Liberal, and/or NDP, Canada!
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I’m a male in my early 20s. There’s this girl that I’m
down with. She’s sexy and smart. I could imagine myself with
her. Here’s the problem: There’s a guy in my life, a guy I’ve
been having a fling with for three years. I also have one
of those jobs where you can never come out. I also want a
family and the male dad/female mom American dream. My girl
wants to get serious and my guy is frustrated because I won’t
commit to him. I can never live an open life with the guy,
and I can hardly stand to fuck the girl. And before you call
me a retard, realize that my job (“don’t ask, don’t tell”
type of thing) is almost as important to me as a good relationship.
—What’s
My Problem?
You
mean besides being a whiner and an asshole?
Look, WMP, it would be unfair—cruel, even—for you to marry
some poor woman you can hardly stand to fuck. And do you seriously
think this woman is going to be happy in the long run with
a man like you? And while the American dream is nice—female
moms, male dads, etc.—I promise you the dreary reality of
faking an interest in heterosexual sex will prevent you from
enjoying your family life. As for your job, well, if you love
your don’t-ask-don’t-tell job so much that you would choose
it over a man you clearly love, WMP, then have the balls to
do just that: Marry your job and live alone, you selfish prick,
and stop hurting innocent people.
mail@savagelove.net
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