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I
am in a fairly new relationship. We’ve been together a year.
The sex is great but I worry that my guy will never be satisfied
with just me. In his last relationship he had lots of girl-girl-guy
threesomes. I am no prude and am glad that he had a great
time with his ex but I have never been in a threesome with
someone I cared about (that doesn’t sound good, does it?)
and don’t think that I could handle seeing my current guy
with another woman. My question is this: Do you think that
someone who has had threesomes on a regular basis truly likes
them? Do you think he will still want to have them? Will he
be able to be happy with just one person? I am open for just
about anything else—bondage, porn, sex in public, whatever—but
not the threesome thing.
—K
P.S.
His last girlfriend left him for a woman. I am hoping he is
looking for someone who really loves dick this time.
There’s an important detail missing from your letter, K, one
weensy, teensy bit of information that would go a long way
toward shaping my response. Namely: How the hell does your
boyfriend feel?
It’s clear how you feel about threesomes—threatened, remorseful,
no longer interested in ’em—but you don’t drop a single hint
about your boyfriend’s attitude toward (A) the threesomes
he’s had in the past, and (B) the threesomes he won’t be having
so long as he’s with you. Does he miss them? Does he pressure
you to get with the whole girl-girl-guy program? Is he constantly
whining about how much he misses having one girl sit on his
face while another sits on his dick? If the answers to these
questions are yes, yes, and yes, then he’s an asshole and
you should dump him immediately. But if the answers to these
questions are no, no, and no, then the problem here is yours,
K, not his.
If you don’t know how he feels, you need to find out. When
you discuss the issue, K, make it clear that being in an LTR
with you means going without threesomes for the LT. Considering
that his ex-girlfriend left him for another woman, it’s entirely
possible that the threesomes were staged for his ex-girlfriend’s
benefit, i.e., to scratch her lesbo itch. He may have enjoyed
them—that would be highly likely—but they may not be his ultimate
fantasy or anything he’s all that interested in doing again,
particularly in light of how things turned out last time.
But only he has the answer to these questions.
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I’m a gorgeous 23-year-old male that could easily have
won your tighty-whitey contest. That being said, I suffer
from a great deal of sexual insecurities. Where to begin?
I grew up in a sexually repressed Christian home. So from
puberty to present I have been addicted to pornography, in
an attempt to escape my repression. This has led to some sexual
difficulties, i.e., premature ejaculation. To add to the problem,
I was sexually abused by two older males (at different times)
when I was a teenager. To top it all off, I recently experienced
a major low-back injury that has left me in a somewhat long-term
convalescence without the ability to engage in any hip-grinding
activity. So my problem is that I don’t know how in god’s
name to find a partner that has the grace to help me through
this mire. I have been getting professional help for the abuse
for some time now, which has brought me to a place where I
am ready to deal with things, but every time I find a woman
I like I frighten her off with the intensity of my need and
the complexities of my situation. When women meet me all they
see is a gorgeous young stud and they expect results.
—Frustrated
and Lonely
If
you’re gorgeous at 23, FAL, the kind of guy who, at 23, could
easily win a tighty-whitey contest (prove it—e-mail pictures
to mail@ savagelove.net), the kind of guy who, at 23, women
see as a result-spewing stud, then you’re going to be a
gorgeous, tighty-whitey-contest-winning, studly-result-spewing
guy at 25. If you refrain from overeating (sorry, fatties),
smoking cigarettes (sorry, stinkies), and drinking and drugging
to excess (sorry, um, drunkies and druggies), then you’ll
most likely be a gorgeous, tighty-whitey-contest-winning,
studly-result-spewing guy at 30, 35, and 40. So worry more
for now about your back, your ejaculation problems, and your
mental health, and less about scoring a girlfriend. If the
intensity of your need and the complexity of your situation
are scaring women away from a good-looking guy like you, FAL,
then it should be clear that you’re not really ready to date
yet. You don’t have to be completely healthy or healed to
be date-worthy—my God, who would qualify?—but you do need
to be somewhat presentable and your shit needs to be reasonably
together. Get sloggin’, FAL.
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My problem can be summed up in two words: Hate condoms.
I’m a straight male college student who recently broke up
with his girlfriend of nearly two years, and I’m finding it
hard getting back out there to play the field. My ex was on
the pill, so I never once had to use a condom when I was with
her. But now that I’m getting with random girls, I’m forced
to wrap the tool. And for whatever reason, when I wear a condom
I cannot come. I have no problems getting it up, but pulling
one off is the problem. Any words of wisdom, ideas, tips,
etc.?
—Insert
Witty Name Here
My
answer summed up in two words: Suffer, bitch. Until you have
a steady girlfriend—until you’re with a non-random, pill-poppin’
woman you trust who also trusts you—you’re just going to have
to settle for wrapping the tool and a sub-optimal sexual experience.
Explain to the next random girl you’re banging that you have
a hard time coming with a condom on and that you’ll have to
“finish yourself off.” Then fuck the random girls until they
come, pull out, take off the condom, and finish yourself off
with your own right hand.
This is sub-optimal, as I’ve already pointed out, but there
are always trade-offs, IWNH. When you’re in a sexually exclusive
LTR with someone who doesn’t have an STD and is on the pill,
then you don’t have to use condoms. When you’re with someone
random—and enjoying the kind of thrills that only random sex
provides—you do. If you really hate condoms, if they absolutely
ruin sex for you, then you have a huge incentive to get back
into a stable LTR with a nice, pill-poppin’, non-random girl.
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Just a thanks for the GLH Backlash column. You were absolutely
right, Dan. I’m in decent shape, but I would need to cut out
beer and chocolate to achieve any sort of “show-offable” stomach.
Not going to happen. I work out to keep enjoying my
vices, thank you very much. So, my stomach, while not exactly
drooping over my belt, stays under my shirt. If only 99% of
low-rise wearers had as much self-awareness. I know you can’t
possibly reply to all of them, but I’d love to see more of
the GLH responses. How about a link to an extra page of GLH
letters?
—Angelos
I
love to see my readers smile, Angelos, so I’ve posted tons
of responses to the GLH columns at www.metroland.net/GLH.html
mail@savagelove.net
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Columns
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