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I
am a 20-something legal female. For the longest time, I thought
I was transgendered, as my build and tastes made me feel like
a bisexual man in a woman’s body. (I’m 6’1” and pass for male
with ease.) Just recently I had it confirmed that I was actually
born intersexed and “fixed” to be female, which made two decades
of confusion suddenly make sense. I’m fine with third-gender
status. But here’s the problem: I tend to be attracted to
bi or gay guys but these guys tend to view me as female once
the clothes come off. The girl parts I have don’t really work,
and (thanks to the wonders of modern medicine) I lack a proper
rod. So how do I approach the issue of my real gender in a
way a bi or gay guy can accept?
—Missing
a Rod in Ohio
Your
letter has been sitting in my inbox for months, MARIO, taunting
me, making me feel like a coward. Whatever I say to you, however
tactfully I attempt to say it, packs of howling trannies are
going to come at me with meat cleavers. (And trannies aren’t
afraid to use ’em.) But I couldn’t bring myself to delete
your e-mail because I hate feeling like a fraidy cat. Sooner
or later I would have to work up the nerve to respond. Well,
it’s midnight and I’m busting out a column in a bar on the
North Side of Chicago (props to the Hopleaf) and I saw your
letter and I figured, hell, if I’m going to get into trouble
no matter how I answer your question, MARIO, why not answer
it drunk? So after three courage-enhancing beers and two bartender’s-attractiveness-enhancing
shots, here’s my advice, you legal female you. . . .
No, wait. First I probably need to give a little background
briefing to any readers out there confused by your letter:
MARIO, you see, was born a hermaphrodite—aw, shit, I’ve already
pissed off the trannies. According to the website of the Intersex
Society of North America (ISNA), “The word ‘hermaphrodite’
is a stigmatizing and misleading word,” as it “implies that
a person is born with two sets of genitals—one male and one
female—and this is something that cannot occur.” (Oh, and
the intersexed are not trannies, so I’ve managed to piss off
everyone in both groups already—and I’m still just doing background
here!) An intersexed baby is born with one set of genitals,
a sort of smashup of male and female bits. Most doctors encourage
parents of babies with “ambiguous genitalia” to choose a gender
and then surgically alter the newborn’s genitals. The parents
are instructed to never tell the child he or she was born
a he/she, lest they confuse the kid about his or her gender
identity. But gender is an odd thing—it begins in the brain,
not in the body or the chromosomes. Give a girl-brained kid
male genitals and raise her as a boy and her mind will rebel
against her assigned gender. Likewise, give a male-brained
kid female genitals and raise him as a girl and he’ll rebel
against his assigned gender. That’s why parents with intersexed
newborns should leave their children’s genitals the hell alone;
they shouldn’t subject their babies to “the wonders of modern
medicine.” Since there’s no way of telling if an intersexed
baby has a girl brain or a boy brain, odds are 50/50 that
the parents and the doc will choose the wrong gender. Two
decades later you’ve got a very bitter adult on your hands,
a man or a woman who feels lied to and mutilated and, thanks
to the surgery he or she never consented to, may well be incapable
of experiencing any sexual sensation at all—and that goes
even if the parents and the doc selected the right gender!
Instead of surgery, ISNA argues that an intersexed baby should
be raised as a boy or a girl, with the understanding that
the child may decide on a different gender identity later
in life. Surgery is only to be performed “if and when the
intersexed person requests it, and then only after she or
he has been fully informed of the risks,” which can include
“risk to life, fertility, continence, and sensation.” While
growing up with scrambled bits can be a drag, being an adult
who’s incapable of experiencing any sexual sensation at all
is a much bigger drag. And “parental distress,” one of the
top reasons given for doing the surgery, “is not a sufficient
reason to risk a child’s life, fertility, continence, and
sensation,” says ISNA.
ISNA’s absolutely right. I agree 100 percent. You go, girls.
And boys. I bet all the trannies and intersexed folks out
there loved that part of the response. Now on to the part
that will send them all running for their meat cleavers: MARIO
wants to know how to “approach the issue of my real gender
in a way a bi or gay guy can accept.” What MARIO means, of
course, is this: “How do I tell gay and bi guys about my scrambled
bits without scaring them off? What magic words will convince
gay and bi guys who are attracted to me as a male to sleep
with me after I tell them the big news?” Sorry, MARIO, but
those magic words don’t exist. Most gay men want to be with
other men, not with trannies, bois, the intersexed, or legal
women who can pass for bi males. While it’s fine for you to
be attracted to gay and bi men, it doesn’t follow that gay
and bi men are under any obligation to find you attractive.
Harsh, I realize, but reality. There may be gay and bi men
out there open to the idea of being with a lanky near-miss,
MARIO, but those guys are going to be few and far between,
and I’ll bet you anything that none of them live in Ohio.
If you want to score with the gay and bi dudes—born male or
made male—I suggest you take those girl parts and that improper
rod of yours to a place like, say, San Francisco, where FTMs
(female-to-male transsexuals), the intersexed, and the men
who love them are more vocal and visible.
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I’m a 19-year-old FTM who identifies as queer. My best
friend used to make comments about being attracted to me when
I was female and I always just shook it off because he was
gay. Now that I’m not female anymore, I wonder. I think I’m
in love with him now. I don’t want to make a fool out of myself
by declaring how I feel just so he can tell me he doesn’t
feel the same, but at the same time, it’s getting harder to
keep my feelings to myself. Any advice would be much appreciated.
—Boi
in Distress
If
you tell him how you feel, BID, and he’s not into you, well,
where are you? Right back where you started: crushed out on
a guy who isn’t into you. But there’s a chance—a slight chance,
admittedly, but a chance—that your friend might be into the
brand-new, boobless you. The only way to find out, though,
is by declaring how you feel. I can’t imagine that someone
brave enough to have her tits cut off is afraid of a little
run-of-the-mill romantic rejection. You’re a boi now, BID,
have some balls.
mail@savagelove.net
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