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Happy
Holiday Sex Memories
Last year I devoted an entire column to horrifying true stories
of desperate and/or depressing holiday sex. This year, on
the suggestion of a Savage Love reader, I’m devoting an entire
column to my readers’ favorite, fondest, and most cherished
(sex-related) holiday experiences. Enjoy.
In the fall of 2001 I entered college as an 18-year-old virgin.
Instead of screwing every frat boy on campus, as I had planned,
I ended up falling in love with the shy nerd down the hall.
The first night I ended up in his bed he informed me that
he would be more comfortable if we “kept our clothes on for
now.” He had planned to become a monk until a year before
we met, and he was easing himself into “sins of the flesh.”
Just before Christmas break, he decided he was ready. We were
going to lose our virginities to one another. I fetched the
condoms. I loved him so much and I was so glad that I would
be sharing this magical moment with him. You know, candles
and silk sheets and all that. But the sex was awkward and
painful. Not at all the way I’d imagined.
Which brings us to the holiday memory. At Christmas, he came
to visit. Something about being in my parents’ home, all that
pumpkin pie and wholesomeness, made us randy. When we got
into bed that night sex finally felt like we had always imagined
it! We stayed up all night, and tried everything. He smacked
me, and I bit him and pulled his hair. We screamed into pillows.
That was the first time we really fucked.
Two years later, we’re living together, in love, and still
fucking like porn stars. I even got a pumpkin-scented candle
so we can recreate the atmosphere of that fateful night. Sign
me,
—A
Sex Life At Last
When
I was 16, and a virgin, I asked a cute girl at our school
dance if she would like to dance with me. Her eyes lit up.
We danced for a long time, and during a slow song she wiggled
up against me. I got an erection, which mortified me, but
she giggled and whispered, “that feels good.” A minute later
she said, “I want to go somewhere private.” We found a small
room used for storage. She put her finger to my lips, dropped
to her knees, and blew me with more skill than anyone since.
She finished with a swallow, tucked me back in, and we went
back to the party. Thus began a very sweet relationship which
lasted a year and a half until we left to go to different
colleges.
I realize that this is probably identical to the early sex
experience of millions of American men, but that doesn’t change
the perfection of the memory.
—Blown
at School in Colorado
I
was 22, and my boyfriend was smoking so much pot he hardly
ever wanted to get it on. I was getting edgy because I couldn’t
figure out how to get myself off, despite hours of trying.
On Christmas, tired of my family, I went to visit my best
friend, a gay guy. Suddenly he announced “I want some porn.”
We climbed into my car and drove to the 24-hour adult bookstore.
My friend, having listened to my tale of woe, said, “You really
need to have a vibrator.” So on Christmas night, $20 from
my Grandma in my pocket, I selected a little bullet-shaped
vibrator. The clerk smirked. “No charge to the newbie,” she
said. When I dropped my gay friend off he said, “Don’t forget
the clitoris. Merry Christmas you ho-ho-ho!”
At my parents’ house I locked myself in the bathroom and turned
on the shower to cover the noise. As the room filled with
steam I began to explore. About 30 minutes later it became
the merriest Christmas ever. I called my gay friend and thanked
him.
After I hung up the phone, I realized I didn’t need to have
a boyfriend. I had plenty of people to hang out with and now
I could get myself off. It was a sexual revolution/revelation
for me. I went back to school and broke up with the pothead.
Two months later I bought a heavy duty personal massager.
We had many happy nights together until last Christmas when
my spouse bought me a Hitachi Magic Wand.
—Worked
Every Time
A
few years back my brother’s girlfriend stopped by to give
me some “Chanukah Weed,” saying that weed and sex go great
together. Needless to say, we celebrated Chanukah with 8 crazy
nights of extraordinary weed-fueled sex. Since then weed has
been dubbed “Chanukah presents” in my crowd. We spend a lot
of time lighting up the menorah.
—Celebrating
the Festival of Lights in NY
During
our campus Christmas break of 2001, we had a Christmas-themed
party at our house. My girlfriend of two years had just told
me that she had cheated on me, and this was my first party
since our breakup. Much to my chagrin, she showed up.
For some reason, after many drinks, she motioned for me to
go back to the bathroom with her. Once inside, she proceeded
to blow me. When the time came, I pulled out to surprise her
with a Christmas facial (which she would never let me do when
we were together). My wad hit her right underneath the left
nostril. When she recoiled in surprise, she took a quick sniffle
through her nose, causing her to accidentally snort up my
eggnog. This shock of snorting spunk caused her to vomit in
the shower.
I was wearing a Santa suit at the time.
—Sign
Off Here, OK?
I
was 20 in 1989, and in Washington state courtesy of the Army.
After a crappy chow hall Christmas dinner about 10 of us gathered
in one barracks room. In honor of the occasion, and as a “fuck
you” to the military, we all pulled out our illicit liquor.
Andy was tall (6’3”), blues eyes, blond, and charismatic.
When the group of tipsy soldiers broke up around midnight,
Andy and I went back to his room. He put on some music and
sat down beside me on the bed. We talked about being alone
on Christmas. We held hands. We kissed. That Christmas night
Andy and I had tender sex for the first and last time. Neither
of us wanted any attention paid to our “thing” because we
had to work together and live together, so we let it drop.
Andy and I were deployed to Saudi Arabia in 1990, for the
Gulf war. The following fall I left the Army. We lost touch
until this past fall, when a friend of mine who’s still in
the Army ran into Andy in Iraq. Last Sunday, I received word
that Andy was killed in a truck accident.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Andy this week, about
his athleticism, goofy sense of humor, about his honesty and
sympathy and good heart. I wanted to share my memory of our
Christmas together.
—Rest
In Peace, Andy
Thanks
for sharing, ASLAL, WET, CTFOLINY, BASIC, SOHO, and RIPA.
And happy holidays, everybody.
mail@savagelove.net
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