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My
husband-to-be is running for high political office in the
“Bible belt.” He has a good chance of winning. I am aware
that campaigns can become ugly and personal. Before I met
my husband I dated women, posed for naked pictures, was into
drugs, and even appeared in a Girls Gone Wild video.
I do not regret this; I just don’t do it anymore. My husband
doesn’t know and I don’t think he would understand. I know
the community wouldn’t. I never planned on telling him about
any of this. Here is my question: Should I try to prepare
him in case it is brought up?
—Very
Over These Events
While
my column was picked up by a lot of papers in the “Bible belt”
after the Monica Lewinsky scandal (and this was no coincidence,
I believe, so thanks, Monica), I sincerely doubt that the
wife of a conservative politician would seek out my advice—even
if she was, once upon a time, a bisexual, drug-abusing, girl-gone-wild
kinda gal. Unless you’re not only a reformed girl gone wild,
VOTE, but also a log-stupid one, you have to know that the
appearance of your letter in my column is likely to attract
the attention of your husband’s political enemies. Every last
Democrat running against a conservative in a Bible belt state—particularly
the ones running against conservatives with hot wives—is going
to order his staff to start digging up dirt on his opponent’s
wife. Which means, of course, that writing this letter is
as good as telling your husband, the press, and the community.
And that’s why I’m not convinced you actually wrote this letter.
Still I think it’s possible that you exist, VOTE, even if
you didn’t write this letter yourself. There was a great deal
of identifying information in your letter, VOTE, and as I
read your letter it occurred to me that your husband’s political
enemies might have written it themselves. If your husband’s
opponent knows about your past, sending me a letter about
your problem and packing it with identifying details is a
pretty good way of outing you while making it look like you
accidentally outed yourself when you sought the advice of
a newspaper columnist. On the off chance that this is the
case, I’ve deleted most of the identifying details.
And now, my advice: What’s going to be more upsetting for
your husband, VOTE: those incriminating photos, videos, and
facts surfacing in the middle of the campaign, with forewarning
and the opportunity to prepare his response in advance? Or
those photos, videos, and facts surfacing in the middle of
the campaign without your husband being ready to respond?
The latter, I think. So tell him all about it now. As for
the reaction the voters in your community might have if this
stuff goes public, VOTE, didn’t conservative voters recently
elect a man who groped women, posed for naked pictures, got
into drugs, and did all sorts of wild things on video? If
someone who behaved as badly as Arnold did can get himself
elected, a man married to a woman who behaved as badly as
Arnold did should be able to get himself elected too.
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Today I was fooling around with my boyfriend and I decided
it would be fun to break out the chocolate frosting. That
way I could satisfy my sweet tooth while pleasuring him. After
I spread it on him, he was really excited and he looked down
at his chocolate-covered piece and remarked how it looked
like we had just had anal sex. This was meant to be a joke,
I suppose. Well, it freaked me out and I no longer desired
to do it, so I left him to clean it up himself. Now he is
upset. Was I wrong here?
—Feeling
Grossed Out
Absolutely
not, FGO. Any guy about to get his dick sucked who makes a
crack like that doesn’t deserve the blowjob he thought he
had coming. “My dick looks like it’s covered with shit!” is
only a sexy statement to a small, select number of people—and
the less said about them, the better. For the rest of us,
it’s a mood killer. Your boyfriend has no one but himself
to blame for the blue balls dangling under his brown dick.
When the Senate Finance Committee was in the process of
voting down an amendment that would have added $11.25 billion
for childcare to welfare over the next five years, your nemesis
Rick Santorum argued that the government shouldn’t coddle
welfare mothers. “Making people struggle a little bit is not
necessarily the worst thing,” he said. I think it’s time for
another English lesson, lest we all forget the true meaning
of the word santorum.
—F.U.R.S.
Speaking
of conservative politicians….
While Santorum-the-senator-from-Pennsylvania continues to
make an ass out of himself in public, santorum-the-noun continues
to spread far and wide. Here are two letters from Savage Love
readers who are doing their part to spread the word:
I thought you would be interested to know that the term
“santorum,” the frothy mixture of fecal matter and lube that
sometimes results from anal sex, is in general circulation
within the first-year class at Harvard Law School. I had been
a student here for about two weeks when one of my section
classmates hosted a barbecue. The conversation naturally turned
to sex. Soon we were discussing anal sex and the logistics
and occasional messiness thereof. At that point the same synapse
apparently fired in multiple minds, because suddenly, in virtual
unison, five or six of us yelled, “Santorum!” and started
laughing. As this was happening, three other people wandered
over to join the conversation and they independently mentioned
santorum, providing further evidence of the spread of santorum.
I thought you would be happy to know about this, as many graduates
of this school end up as senators, judges, and other cultural
big shots who can help get a new word into the official record.
—Academic
Santorum Spreader
I
have been an English teacher in China for about a year. We
love our weekly doses of good ol’ fashioned American perversion,
courtesy of your column. I thought you would find it amusing
to know that the new meaning of santorum is catching on in
China. I don’t know how much of the actual substance is in
China, considering the fact that officially there “are no
homosexuals in China.” What I do know is that all of my coworkers
and students have been taught the word and have actively been
using it and passing it on. Think of it, santorum on the lips
of 1.3 billion people. . .
—Savage
Love Adjectives/Neologisms Gaining
Thanks
for sharing, ASS and SLANG.
For everyone out there following the santorum saga, I offered
a case of lube and a selection of santorum-themed T-shirts
from www.extraugly.com to anyone who could get a comment from
the senator on the new meaning of his last name. (The senator
won’t take my calls.) The nice folks from Down There Press
want to sweeten the pot: Down There Press is offering a copy
of Anal Pleasure & Health, the buttsex bible, and
The Big Book of Masturbation to anyone who can get
a quote from Senator Santorum on lube-and-fecal-matter santorum.
Come on, Tucker Carlson, you know you wanna ask him!
mail@savagelove.net
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