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You’re
a dick. I’ve been enjoying your column for years, but
your reply last week to “Confused in Ohio,” who
was worried about her boy-porn-perusing boyfriend, is typical
bi-phobia. I thought you had laid your bi-phobia to rest when
you finally relented and acknowledged that yes, there are
lots of bisexuals. But now you are back to your same old agenda,
the agenda shared by so many other people who desperately
want to make themselves “right” by projecting everyone
else to be the same as they are.
The actual fact, as established by Kinsey and others, is that
sexual preference is not just black or white but includes
a variety of shades of gray. And a bisexual person can be
a little gay and a lot straight or a little straight and a
lot gay, but he is still bisexual, not gay. The fact that
CIO’s boyfriend was fucking her makes it clear that he’s
not gay. He’s bisexual! Why is that so hard to understand?
Pussy good! Cock good! Love both! Bisexual! Get it?
—Angry
Asshole
Take
off the bisexual blinders and re-read CIO’s letter, AA.
Her boy-porn-perusing boyfriend is cruising the Internet for
gay porn and personals, obsessed with the “taboo”
of homosexuality, and having sex with men. Worried that he
might be gay, CIO mentions that their sex life is good, “owing
to the fact that it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm.
In fact, sometimes he doesn’t get there at all.”
For
me, AA, that long-time-to-reach, sometimes-doesn’t-get-there
stuff was the red “not bisexual, gay” flag. One
reader who agreed with my take on CIO’s boyfriend chided
me for not giving proper emphasis to this revealing detail:
“You failed to mention, Dan, that CIO’s boyfriend’s
sexual stamina (he takes a very long time to reach orgasm,
and sometimes never gets there at all) is probably due to
the fact that she doesn’t really turn him on, and/or
he has trouble fantasizing about his chatroom buddies when
he’s in bed with her and not at his PC.”
So
let’s emphasize it now: CIO’s boyfriend, unlike
a truly bisexual dude, doesn’t sound very passionate
about heterosexual sex. The fact that CIO’s boyfriend
was able to fuck her does not, AA, “make it clear that
he’s not gay.” If fucking a woman proves a man’s
not gay, then I’m not gay. Like almost all gay men out
there, AA, I have successfully fucked women—I had to
think about guys the whole time, and it didn’t always
work (I didn’t always “get there”), but I managed.
So
while I’m willing to acknowledge that there are lots
of bisexuals out there, AA, you have to be willing to acknowledge
that there are lots of closet cases out there too—and
some are so motivated to remain closeted, as I once was, that
they’ll fuck women to “prove” they’re
straight. Refusing to believe CIO’s boyfriend is bisexual
doesn’t mean I don’t believe that other people aren’t
bisexual. You, for instance. You say you’re bisexual
and why would I doubt you? You’ve got the wounded tone
of the professional bisexual down pat—not to mention
the hypocrisy. (It’s not OK for me to “claim”
CIO’s boyfriend is gay, but you can claim him as bi?)
As
for making myself “right” by projecting my own sexuality
(gay, gay, gay) onto CIO’s boyfriend (gay, gay, gay),
I don’t see how lumping myself in with a lying, cheating,
closeted coward makes me “right.” To out fags, AA,
the antics of closet cases with girlfriends are an embarrassment
and, in this day and age, a relic. If I could avoid “projecting”
my own sexuality onto CIO’s idiot boyfriend, I would:
It doesn’t exactly flatter me or other gay men to count
him in our numbers. If I thought he were bi, AA, I’d
be happy to let you have him.
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If “Confused in Ohio” doesn’t want to listen
to your advice, perhaps she’ll take mine as the voice
of experience. Everything she described happened to me 14
years ago. My boyfriend wanted desperately not to be gay,
and did his best to convince me too. Sex was fairly decent,
in part because he was very motivated to please me and he
rarely came (I didn’t think about the implications of
that fact). He told me, “That’s just how I am.”
After we got married, he told me that the gay porn I kept
finding was “only a hobby.” I tried for many years
to be open-minded and accepting, but got tired of waking up
in the night, alone in the bed, knowing that he was in the
computer room masturbating to more gay porn. After 12 years
of marriage and three kids, he came out and we divorced. CIO:
Dump your gay boyfriend before he becomes your gay husband,
gay father of your children, and gay ex-husband.
—Been
There in Iowa
Thanks
for sharing, BTII.
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I
have a different take on autofellatio, autofellatio in front
of your girlfriend, and swallowing one’s own come than
you presented in your column last week: It’s a humiliation/submissive/rape-type
fantasy.
Speaking strictly for myself, I consider myself straight and
I can do the autofellatio thing—and the girlfriend has
watched me. And it was about humiliation, being dominated,
or doing something considered “gross,” like swallowing
my own come. Showing the girlfriend what I could do, as WAC
did, was a way to get closer to my fantasy of being forced
to do something “gross” in front of someone. In
other words, I’m suggesting that WAC’s fella may
want to be spanked and ordered to swallow while he’s
sucking. In fact, I think that the letters in last week’s
column, all of them concerning straight men doing things like
sucking themselves, eating their own come, and being fucked
with strap-ons, all have to do with men wanting to be dominated.
I don’t necessarily mean a full-on, tied-to-the-wall-and-fucked-up-the-ass-while-clothespins-are-gripping-your-
nipples kinda thing; but some people—including me somewhat—are
turned on by an element of embarrassment or humiliation.
Finally, like many men, I found that the second I actually
came, this thing I had been fantasizing about—being “forced”
to swallow my own come—struck me as not nearly as good
an idea as it was the second before I came.
—My
Two Cents
Thanks
for sharing, MTC.
What’s
your gripe with Rufus Wainwright? He’s a wonderful singer-songwriter,
he’s out, and he’s adorable. Why all the Rufus bashing
in last week’s column?
—Jeff
I
actually like Rufus Wainwright, Jeff. I’ve been a fan
since Equality Rocks, a concert held in Washington, D.C.,
after one of those quickly forgotten gay marches for freedom,
equality, T-shirts, and an end to AIDS, racism, lookism, ageism,
and other bad stuff. Unlike everyone else who took to the
stage that day—Anne Heche, Ellen DeGeneres, George Michael,
et al.—Rufus refrained from making a complete ass out
of himself. That was then. In an interview in The New York
Times a few weeks back, Wainwright discussed his recent emergence
from “gay hell”—basically, he’d been using
way too many drugs and having way too much sex, and made himself
miserable in the process. I found Rufus’ “gay hell”
comments annoying, Jeff, as no one is cast into gay hell—people
dive into that particular lake of fire voluntarily, which
makes it hard to sympathize with guys who complain about the
time they spend there. So I was just, er, tweaking Rufus about
the gay-hell thing.
mail@savagelove.net
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