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I
am in a relationship with a man who recently told me about
something that he used to do before we met. He is flexible
enough to give himself a blowjob, he said, and used to do
this often to get himself off. I didn’t think it was possible
for men to do this, but he showed me—he can still do it! And
he swallowed! Is this sort of thing normal for men to do?
For straight men? How common is it?
—Worried
and Concerned
Seeing
as how I’m writing this column in the deepest pit in gay hell
next to Rufus Wainwright’s colon—the Big Cup coffee shop on
8th Avenue in Manhattan—I think it’s only appropriate that
I answer a few questions from readers who, like me, are quickly
succumbing to gay panic.
So, WAC, your boyfriend can suck his own dick. Don’t panic.
His superpower is common enough that there’s a name for it
(autofellatio), an entire genre of porn devoted to it, and
enough jokes about it to keep Jimmy Kimmel in material for
the next six years. The conventional autofellatio wisdom goes
like this: Any guy who can, does—gay, straight, bi, whatever.
Rest assured, WAC, that the straight guy sucking his own dick
isn’t doing anything gayer than the straight guy giving himself
a handjob. It’s just an elaborate, show-offy, backbreaking
method of masturbation.
That your boyfriend was eager to demonstrate his superpower
for you strikes me as odd; most straight guys who can suck
themselves off are shy about demos, mostly for fear of being
thought gay. (Gay guys who can suck themselves off, on the
other hand, loudly brag about it over coffee at the Big Cup.)
It’s possible that he brought up this thing he used
to do before you met because doing it in front of his
girlfriend turns him on. So I wouldn’t be surprised if he
brings it up again.
I
was in the passion of sex with a gentleman when he asked if
I would please touch his ass. Gay men might happily accommodate
such a request; however, I am a lady. My lady friends all
said they would get up and run if this request was
made of them. I did not. I stayed. I touched. Then he requests
of me, “Do you have a strap-on?” Soon I was worried that I
was having sex with a homo. Now I am ignoring him,
which is too bad for me because he had a very nice
penis. Your suggestions?
—Happy
Ass Girl
Don’t
panic, HAG. Lots of straight guys enjoy having their asses
touched; some even enjoy having their asses pegged. If this
guy ate your pussy like a champ and fucked you absolutely
senseless before, during, and after you touched his ass, all
signs point to straight. If he seemed reluctant to fuck you,
ignored your tits, and screamed, “Yes, Rufus! Harder, Rufus!
Deeper, Rufus!” when you touched his ass, well, then he’s
probably a big ol’ homo. If he leans toward straight, HAG,
stop ignoring him. It’s clear that you’re more sexually adventurous
than your lady friends—you stayed, you touched—and it’s clear
that you’re missing this man’s very nice penis, so why not
pull the stick out of your own ass and stick it in his?
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How
common is it for a straight guy to be aroused by eating his
own come? I ask because I am a straight guy who gets off on
eating his own come and recently my girlfriend caught me.
(She dropped by my place right after I jerked off and she
tasted my come on my lips when we kissed.) Now she thinks
I must be bi-curious. She’s completely weirded out. If I could
pass along someone else’s opinion on the subject, it might
help her lay the stupid thing to rest. Please help me.
—Straight
Come Eater
Lots
of guys, gay and straight, eat their own come—not “lots, a
huge percentage of the male population,” but, “lots, way more
than your girlfriend might think.” (But until the census folks
start asking about this, SCE, I won’t be able to give you
any hard numbers.) Boys with freaky or religious parents sometimes
eat their own come to destroy any evidence that they’ve been
masturbating; young straight boys eat their own come to reassure
themselves that their come tastes good enough to eat, so for
sure they’ll get lots of head one day; and some young gay
boys eat their own come because they figure they’re going
to be giving head to other guys and they might as well get
used to the taste.
That you get off on eating your own come, SCE, takes you to
another level. You’re not destroying the evidence or taste-testing.
Whether you started eating your own come for the same reasons
other guys do and came to enjoy it, or eating your own come
is a harmless expression of narcissistic self-love, what you’ve
got now is a full-fledged kink—and that’s not necessarily
gay, just perverse. It’s perfectly natural, however, for your
girlfriend to worry that a guy who likes to eat his own come
might want to eat some other guy’s come one day. If that’s
not the case, SCE, reassure her at great length and make damn
sure she never tastes another guy’s come on your lips.
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I
have a wonderful, supportive, sexy boyfriend who I love. Recently
I was at his house using the computer and needed to get back
to a Web page I’d been on earlier, so I clicked on the history
to pull it back up. I found the page I needed, all right,
but I also found out that my boyfriend had been up the night
before searching for, chatting with, and looking at graphic
pictures of young gay men in our city. Needless to say, I
was shocked. He said it’s just a hobby, and that he’s fascinated
with the taboo of being gay. He also admitted masturbating
to the pictures, and has also admitted meeting a gay man online
and then getting oral sex from him. My boyfriend swears he
is not gay and doesn’t want to have sex with men. Should I
believe him? By the way, our sex life is great—owing to the
fact that it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. In
fact, sometimes he doesn’t get there at all. I love this man,
and I need to know what to think about this.
—Confused
in Ohio
Of
all the people in this week’s column, CIO, you’re the only
one I think should panic. Your boyfriend’s excuse—“Oh, darlin’,
I’m not gay! Looking at pictures of naked guys, chatting with
them, jacking off thinking about them, and having sex with
them—that’s just my hobby!”—has to be the lamest thing I’ve
ever heard. And if wishful thinking weren’t clouding your
judgment, CIO, it would strike you as odd that someone who
swears he doesn’t want to have sex with men is out there having
sex with men. I’m sorry, CIO, but your wonderful, supportive,
sexy boyfriend is gay. Gay, gay, gay. Gayer than me, gayer
than Rufus, gayer than all the autofellators at the Big Cup
rolled into a ball. Dump him.
mail@savagelove.net
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