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Operation
Just Claus
It’s
the holiday season and I’m concerned. As gifts were being
gathered and wrapped for exchange, and long-bearded men in
Santa suits rang out cheer in the streets and shopping malls,
Attorney General John Ashcroft dolefully affirmed that the
level of the nation’s terror watch would remain at yellow.
This means there is an “elevated” risk of terrorist attacks
for the holidays. As all the little Whos of our national Whoville
go about their daily lives, danger lurks in some unknown place
where unknown people are preparing to commit unknown acts—against
exactly whom is, of course, also unknown. But, we’ve been
warned. And that has me concerned as we enter the festive
time around the winter solstice.
The recent signing into law of the Department of Homeland
Security, and the fanfare of its inclusion in George W.’s
cabinet, has not made me feel any safer. I don’t think I am
alone in this feeling. But what’s gotten me so concerned about
this new homeland security bureaucracy and the holidays is
some apparently unforeseen potential negative fallout for
at least one holiday icon.
The other day, the United States’ terrorist-warning system
went bonkers when a contrail (a jet vapor trail) was noticed
where a plane was not supposed to be. Thoughts of terrorists
in airplanes quickly colored the flimsy cloudlike trail, and
jets were scrambled to the scene to intercept the rogue plane.
The pilots on the scene found nothing but open airspace around
the suspicious coordinates. Apparently, someone misinterpreted
a cloud for a homeland security threat. Mistakes can happen
when you’ve kept things too long at the yellow warning level.
Well, this got me thinking about how Santa might find his
rounds this year a bit more challenging and threatening than
usual. Getting into the United States has gotten a bit more
difficult these days. Over the last year, security forces
have been intensified along all the country’s borders. Unauthorized
flights cruising into U.S. airspace have become priority targets
for interception.
As the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System simmers
at yellow, we are encouraged to “be alert to suspicious activity.”
At this level of warning, the Red Cross recommends making
sure your “disaster supplies kit is stocked and ready,” and
that you develop and practice “alternative routes to/from
work/school.” I’m sure you have all been busy at these activities.
As Dec. 25 approaches, it is reasonable to expect that the
color-coded warning system might be ratcheted up to orange,
where the “risk of attack” becomes “high.” When things turn
orange, the government recommends “taking additional precautions
at public events and possibly considering alternative venues
or even cancellation.” Bush’s new cabinet department appears
even to reserve the right to cancel the holidays if the terrorist
threat gets too orange.
Dressed in his red-and-white suit (originally designed for
Coke commercials), Santa could find it rough delivering this
year’s presents. The bag thrown over his shoulder will certainly
contain a large number of replacement Swiss army knives, scissors
and nail files for ones that were lifted at airports during
the last year. Would delivering these items to stockings around
the world be interpreted by George W. and his fear-fostering
faithful as providing weapons to potential terrorists? Should
Admiral John (“I’ll lie when asked”) Poindexter monitor all
communications with the reindeer musher to make sure no terrorist
cells are involved? Is the North Pole thoroughly bugged?
What if the Coast Guard should pull Santa over, board his
sleigh and find airport contraband in great quantities? Would
the rotund wonder be booked for weapons trafficking? Shouldn’t
his sleigh be tested for smallpox and other potential biological
weapons that could be effectively dispersed by someone entering
so many homes in such a short time? Would the jolly one, who
is of Middle Eastern descent (St. Nick was from an area that
is today Turkey), disappear into a Guantanamo Bay condo cage
for further questioning? Would his reindeer be kept at an
undisclosed location while White House spokesman Ari Fleischer
refuses to confirm or deny their detention? Would Santa be
denied legal counsel? How would the Supreme Court handle the
matter?
I’m sure you can understand my concern.
But things could get even worse for the grand gift giver with
George W. poised to hurl hellfire at Iraq. Avoiding interception
by military forces in the ancient land of Babylon could get
pretty dicey for the jolly guy as he speeds through his worldwide
blitz this year. What happens when he crosses into an Iraqi
“no-fly” zone? Will United States and British jets see him
as an Iraqi provocation that triggers all-out war, as they
scramble to intercept the airspace violator? Will they fire
missiles at the sleigh and ask questions later? Could collateral
damage from an ignited war accidentally take out Santa and
his reindeer?
There is good reason for concern about St. Nick’s health under
current U.S. security and war plans. But it’s a good bet that,
no matter how sophisticated the technology or how fast the
jets, they won’t be able to catch the white-bearded sleigh
master. His defenses involve a simple magic that’s difficult
to overcome.
In order to visit more than 90 million homes in the span of
a single rotation of the planet, the North Pole speedster
has to complete over 800 chimney dives a second. He also has
to keep his reindeer cranked up at about 3,000 times the speed
of sound while pulling around 350,000 tons of goods. The agility
and speed of their movement puts Santa and the reindeer squad
well beyond the capabilities of any U.S. weapons technology
to track or target him. In fact, it even puts them well beyond
the laws of physics. That’s where the magic comes in.
Go Santa!
—Tom
Nattell
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