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I
wanted to respond to the advice you gave to “Tried Not To
Fall,” the closeted gay guy who was in love with his straight
roommate. You advised TNTF to tell his straight roommate how
he felt.
I am in the straight roommate’s shoes, Dan. I believe my roommate
is gay and, judging by the many hints/jokes that slip from
his mouth, he has some “special” feelings for me. I am not
a homophobe in the violent sense; I do, however, feel very
uncomfortable being hit on by other guys. As long as my roommate’s
attempts to bed me remain in the realm of jokes, then we can
both pretend he’s not gay and I can deal. If he makes the
foolish mistake of coming on to me, however, it will definitely
ruin our relationship.
If TNTF’s roommate is straight, then TNTF should respect his
roommate’s professed sexual identity and refrain from making
unwelcome, disrespectful passes. Isn’t respecting other people’s
sexual identities what gay people are always telling straight
people to do?
—Not
Open To Gay Advance as of Yet
As
a general rule, NOTGAY, I agree that gay men shouldn’t make
passes at straight guys . . . buuuuuuut . . . not all gay
guys are out, NOTGAY, and that complicates matters. It may
sound good in theory to say that gay men should respect the
professed sexual identities of straight guys and refrain from
making passes, but in practice, exceptions have to be made.
It’s like this, NOTGAY: Most young gay men are closeted and
most don’t come out until after they start messing around
with guys. So sometimes young gay guys (who may still be closeted
and “straight-identified” themselves) have to act on a hunch
and make passes at straight-identified friends and roommates.
Yes, yes: Some gay men’s “hunches” are so much wishful thinking.
(Wishful thinking explains why so many gay men have “hunches”
about Tom Cruise and so few have hunches about, say, Al Roker.)
But often a hunch proves correct and an “unwelcome, disrespectful”
pass results in a “straight” friend dropping his pants, coming
out of the closet, and becoming a boyfriend. When that happens,
the ex-straight guy is thankful for the unwelcome, disrespectful
pass.
In your case, NOTGAY, your roommate’s hunch about you seems
like so much wishful thinking. For the sake of your friendship,
I hope your roommate keeps his hands to himself.
I am an 18-year-old straight guy.
When I was 14 or so, me and my best male friend messed around
a lot. It started one day when we looked at porn on his computer.
We began masturbating under blankets together, then in full
view of each other, then sitting next to each other. Soon
we were experimenting with different ways of holding each
other’s dicks and getting each other off. I always enjoyed
these experiences even if I felt horribly grossed out and
shamed the next day. However, I was always ready to do it
again the next time I slept over. One time I even got down
on all fours in front of him and he almost accepted the unspoken
invitation.
The thought of kissing, cuddling, or any other kind of “sensuality”
with a guy repulses me. We were just two horny boys with hard
dicks. I love my girlfriend, and I feel a closeness and an
intimacy with her that I could never feel with a guy. On the
other hand, I hope to get the opportunity to experience the
sheer animal lust that drove me and my best friend back then.
My biggest fantasy, I have to admit, is to be fucked in the
ass by a guy.
—Straight
Guy Who Likes Dick
I’m
running this letter for your benefit, NOTGAY, because I think
it’s clear that Straight Guy Who Likes Dick isn’t a straight
guy at all—despite the girlfriend, despite the professed straight
identity. Like a lot of closeted gay guys his age, SGWLD twists
himself into knots to avoid admitting what’s obvious to anyone
who reads his letter: He’s a huge fag. (Feeling “horribly
grossed out and shamed” immediately after you mess around
with a guy is the oldest closet-case cliché, SGWLD; being
ready for more just as soon as you’re horny again is the second
oldest.)
Like a lot of closeted guys—guys who are closeted even to
themselves—SGWLD thinks that if he refrains from kissing and
cuddling other guys he can’t really be gay (or won’t have
to be gay). It seems to me, NOTGAY, that what SGWLD really
needs more than anything in the world is for some nice gay
guy his own age to develop a hunch about him and make an unwelcome,
disrespectful pass. Hopefully the lucky guy who helps SGWLD
realize his biggest fantasy will insist on a little cuddling
and kissing before and after the ass-fucking, thereby helping
SGWLD to break through his idiotic denial about who he is.
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My boyfriend and I have lived next
door to a nice woman who has a totally hot boyfriend (he’s
a coach at our local university) who we call HB. My boyfriend
and I see HB out and about, mowing the lawn, doing stretches
on the porch before he goes for a run, playing with his girlfriend’s
dog-all the usual straight guy stuff. The other morning when
I got up, HB was in his girlfriend’s kitchen NAKED! He looked
right at me, smiled, turned to open the fridge, and bent over
with his legs spread, giving me a free show! Now when we see
HB, he winks at us when his girlfriend isn’t looking! Should
we invite him over for a little man play the next time his
girlfriend is away?
—Men
Out And Naughty
I’m
also printing this letter for your benefit, NOTGAY, just to
show you that sometimes straight guys make unwelcome, disrespectful
passes at gay men. Well, I guess it’s not really accurate
to describe HB’s behavior as unwelcome. His actions, however,
have clearly unnerved MOAN and his boyfriend.
Since HB isn’t an 18-year-old, odds are better that he isn’t
a closet case who needs a nice gay guy to come along—or a
couple of gay guys—and make the pass that brings him out.
So what the fuck is HB up to? I’d say he’s either a bisexual
guy looking for some action on the side (maybe the girlfriend
wants to watch?) or, more likely, he’s an extraordinarily
good- looking straight guy who knows the effect he has on
gay men and he enjoys tormenting/ prick-teasing the gay guys
who’ve been ogling him since he moved in next door.
So what do you do about it, MOAN? Since it wouldn’t be very
neighborly of you to hit on your next-door-neighbor’s boyfriend
(who probably isn’t interested anyway), I would advise you
to sit back and enjoy the show. HB has you two figured out—and
he doesn’t sound very shy. If he’s up for a little “man play”
(ugh! to that phrase, by the way) the next time his
girlfriend is away, he’ll invite himself over.
Dan
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah (Dutton),
is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to mail@savagelove.net
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