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Thank
you so much for advising that whacked-out sexually ignorant
mother to buy her daughter a dildo! As a former sex-worker
(I was a stripper at the fabulous Lusty Lady in San Francisco
as well as a pro-domme in a lovely bay area house of domination),
I understand intimately the ability of parents to turn normal
sexual curiosity into something shameful and embarrassing.
I myself had a similar incident when I was a teenager. My
mother found my stash of porno magazines and the oversized
teddy bear that I used to ride to orgasm. She made me burn
the pornos and took my beloved teddy away. Needless to say,
her tactic did not work. I was a highly curious girl and too
experienced in the art of self-love to turn back. All that
my mother’s reaction ensured was that I would never, under
any circumstances, go to her for sexual guidance, support,
or information. I hope all the Savage Love-readin’-mommies
out there heed your advice and buy their daughters some
goddamn dildos and help make them complete, aware, healthy,
happy sexual beings in touch with themselves and their bodies!
—Dildo
Lovin’ Dyke in San Francisco
Criticisms,
rants and death threats account for roughly 30 percent of
the e-mail I receive, and I tend to run an awful lot of angry,
hostile letters in my column. And why not? Letters from people
who disagree with my advice are more interesting and offer
readers a different POV on whatever subject we’re gabbing
about. I do occasionally get nice letters from people who
want to let me know how much they like the column. Most of
the people who send in positive letters express amazement
that so much of my mail is negative. “Doesn’t anyone ever
pay you a compliment?” they ask. Well, yes, lots of people—but
unlike certain insecure advice columnists I could name, I
don’t feel a burning need to clutter up my column with compliments.
But to prove that I do get compliments as well as criticism,
I very occasionally run a column filled with nothing else.
So there’s nothin’ but compliments in this week’s column—specifically,
the compliments that have been rolling in since I told off
Traumatized Over Youngster, the mom who discovered her daughter
masturbating with one of her dildos and promptly lost control
of her bowels. If you’re one of those people who hate me and
hate my column and yet somehow can’t keep yourself from reading
it, well, you might want to skip this week’s column. It’ll
give you fits. I realize that an entire column is a lot of
real estate to devote to one issue, but I think this particular
issue needs emphasis. Moms and dads need to know that their
adolescent daughters can, will and should masturbate. And
. . . while I’m not sure how DLDISF will feel about this .
. . I want to emphasize that giving your daughters dildos,
as I urged TOY to do, will not necessarily turn them into
strippers, pro-dommes, and dykes. (Maybe one or two of those
things, but the trifecta is rare.) In fact, I think DLDISF’s
letter can be read as a cautionary tale . . . if her mother
had given her dildos, and had let her keep her porn and her
teddy, it’s possible that she wouldn’t have grown up to be
a sex worker at all. (Okay, that should take care of next
week’s angry mail.) Now, on to the compliments...
Dildo use is not only safer for a 14-year-old girl than
experimenting with broomstick handles, it can also be much
safer for a 14-year-old girl than skipping masturbation and
going straight to sex instead—which a lot of youngsters do
because they’re discouraged from masturbating! If TOY’s daughter
hadn’t found her dildos, she might have come home to find
her daughter pregnant and/or STD-infected. Last, right on
about the lockable doors advice!
—Just
Another Reader
Your
advice to “Traumatized Over Youngster” was thoughtful and
sound. As a young girl, I was discovered “learning about myself”
by my mother. She told me that what I was doing was “inappropriate”
and that I shouldn’t do it again. We never talked about it
further. This incident led to years of low sexual self esteem.
Now, I’m engaged and have a healthy sex life with my fiancée,
but it wouldn’t be possible without years of therapy.
—Better
Now And Having Fun
When
my mother discovered that I had been reading her copy of The
Joy of Sex when I was 8, the first thing she wanted to know
was if I had any questions for her. When my father caught
me masturbating when I was 11, he told me that it was an okay
thing to do, but in the privacy of my room. I’m grateful to
my parents for handling these situations the way they did;
I believe I’m a sexually well-adjusted adult as a result.
Your advice to TOY was wonderful, Dan, and if this woman does
what you advised, her daughter will become a sexually well-adjusted
adult too.
—Healthy
and Happy
Teenage
boy masturbation is the subject of countless jokes (and an
entire film microgenre!) and is socially accepted, but female
masturbation is still totally hush-hush. I had no clue through
adolescence & had (at best) boring sex for years—my first
orgasm at 23—which is what? Ten years later than a guy’s?
I now have sisters who are 12 and 13, and I don’t want them
to have to go through the confusion and disappointments I
did.
—No
Cute Name
I
find it amazing that you completely ignored the fact that
TOY’s privacy was violated in the whole “daughter finding
the dildo” incident. TOY specifically mentioned that her daughter
is not allowed in her closet. She is 14 years old—she should
have some respect for her mother, and the thought of sharing
sex toys without permission is disgusting. It is rude and
unsanitary. Sure experimentation is normal and healthy, but
a total disregard for the privacy of others isn’t.
—You’re
An Idiot
Actually,
YAI, I had some comments in my original response to TOY about
her privacy being violated, and how that Was Not Okay, and
that girls sharing dildos with their mothers is gross and
unsanitary . . . but I removed them because, well, because
they seemed so obvious. Of course TOY’s privacy was invaded,
and that was a tragedy, but . . . still. Adults with
teenage children have no reasonable expectation of privacy.
It never ceases to amaze me how people grow up and completely
forget what they were like as kids. A single teenager can
tear apart an entire house in search of porn, sex toys, money,
and drugs while his or her parents are out at the movies—and
have the entire place put back together before mom and dad
are done watching the coming attractions. People who don’t
want their teenage children to find (and use) their dildos
or drugs shouldn’t keep those sorts of things in the house,
or, if they do, keep them under lock and key.
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Dan
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven
Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton),
goes on sale Oct. 10. Send your Savage Love questions to mail@savagelove.net
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