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I
don’t expect you’ll print my letter, since it’s just one more
irate letter from a “furry freak.” Besides, you’ve already
passed your judgment (to wit; furries are “sick” because .
. . well, apparently because we exist). But just for the record:
Furries don’t like it when some media wag looks down his nose
at us and then invites the public at large to laugh at us.
And frankly, I’m a bit puzzled by your condemnation of furries
as “sick” because we like to fantasize. (This from a guy who
publishes his desire to jack off in the face of a celebrity
he’ll probably never even meet!) As for the subject of what
is sick and what isn’t, I’d rather be a human being who indulges
in a bit of harmless furry fantasy than a self-styled cynical
misanthrope.
—Otter
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Christ,
you furries have such thin skins—no, wait. That was insensitive
of me. You furries have such thin hides. For the record,
Otter, the “sick” comment was a joke, not a diagnoses. Also
for the record: You furries are overreacting to the relatively
tame jokes being made at your expense in my column, on MTV
and in Vanity Fair. You see, in human culture we sometimes
crack jokes to 1) express and purge discomfort, and 2) take
the piss out of each other. Why are you coming in for so much
ribbing just now? Well, until recently very few people outside
your fantasy world knew you existed. No awareness of you,
no jokes about you. Now that you’re subculture is getting
some attention—attention you’ve invited—jokes are being told
at your expense, just as jokes are told at the expense of
S&Mers, Star Trek fans, born-again Christians,
gays, CEOs, potheads, George W. Bush, hookers and Ann Coulter.
You’re only coming in for your fair share of ridicule, Otter.
Hell, even after people accept this furry nonsense for what
it is—good, clean (and hopefully Scotch Guarded) fun—people
are still going to crack jokes.
Deal with it.
As for me, does wanting to jack off in the face of a celebrity
I’ll never even meet make me a sicko? You bet it does—and
you have every right to make fun of me for it. We all have
a right to enjoy our own desires, perversions and hobbies,
however ridiculous they might seem. Other people have a concurrent
right to crack jokes at our expense. I make fun of you, you
make fun of me. See how that works?
Terrific, Dan. Not one, but two weeks of being bored silly
by your column because you chose to devote it to furries.
What’s next, Dan: a column about people who can only have
orgasms while slathered in Spam? Dan, please keep it real!
—Fuck
Furries
Oh,
shit . . . we were well on our way to three weeks worth of
columns devoted to furries when I got your letter. Thanks
for reminding me to keep it real. To enjoy real pictures of
girls slathered in beans, milk, yogurt and Spam—the processed
meat product, not the e-mail from Nigerians who want to wire
$75 million to your bank account—check out wetandmessyfetishgirls.com.
In the interest of getting away from the nightmare-inducing
world of furries, I have a question about another fetish.
I am a gay male with unusually large testicles. Judging from
the boyfriends I’ve had, and the porn I’ve seen, my balls
are bigger than most. Are there people out there who would
fetishize my freakish nuts? A rudimentary search at Google
turned up nothing.
—Testicular
Bonanza
I
didn’t have any luck finding fetish sites devoted to big balls,
TB, but if you Google the phrase “scrotal infusion,” you’ll
find a handful of sites devoted to the practice of injecting
saline solution into men’s scrotums; some guys can blow their
scrotums up to the size of basketballs. (The saline is gradually
absorbed into the body, returning the scrotum to its pre-
infusion size.) I hope this doesn’t rile-up the scrotal infusion
community, but the pictures on the SI sites are much, much
sicker than the shit on furry sites.
Finally, while I couldn’t find a Web site or a fetish club
devoted to naturally big balls, if there’s a fetish or a group
or a club for big-ball lovers, gay or straight, someone who
reads this column knows about it. Guys?
I have a girlfriend and everything is pretty good. However
she has yet to give up her ass to me. She says that’s for
her husband on her wedding night so she can offer him something
that no other man has ever had. I told her in order to get
me to marry her she must give up the ass first. Either way,
she’s scared and thinks it will hurt. Do you have any suggestions
on how I might be able to sway her?
—Hot
for Butt Lovin’
To
hurry the giving-up process along, show the girlfriend how
much fun anal sex is by giving up your own ass. Once she sees
how much fun you’re having while she pounds away at your ass
with a huge strap-on, she’ll be anxious to try it out,
ring or no ring. Or were you saving your ass for the wedding
night too?
Allow me a brief introductory sentence, in which I shall
convey to you the wonderment that is the result of my gleaming
genes, my incredible chemical composition. “Mr. Z” is a fastidious
dresser. Alas, “Mr. Z” cannot find love. All “Mr. Z” wants
is a warm body to dance with beneath the moonlight. Help Mr.
Z!
—Mr.
Z
Perhaps
Mr. Z isn’t getting any because Mr. Z is far too annoying
to fuck.
Last night, the guy that I’m hooking up with came on my
face. It totally grossed me out. I don’t want to be all sticky,
and I spent the rest of the night just wanting to crawl out
of bed and take a shower. How do I put a stop to this before
it becomes a big thing?
—Woman
Enraged Totally
Come
on, WET! When a guy does something to you in bed that you
don’t like—comes on your face, smears Spam on your tits, insists
he’s an otter—tell him you don’t like it! It’s called
feedback, and it’s not something you should be shy
about sharing. Any man who reacts badly to, “Hey, honey, I
didn’t dig that, so let’s not do that again,” isn’t someone
you want to be with anyway.
And before the letters pour in telling me that poor, defenseless
WET was raped let me get this on the record: It’s difficult
to sneak up on someone and come all over his or her face.
I suspect that WET’s “abuser,” as he is sure to be described
in seven or eight thousand angry e-mails, was either getting
a blowjob or beating off an inch or so from her nose the moment
before he came on her face. WET, or anyone in a similar position
who has strong feelings about where a guy should or shouldn’t
come, needs to speak up before the guy comes. Yes,
yes: WET’s “abuser” is to be faulted for assuming it was OK
to come on her face in the first place, but WET shouldn’t
assume that the men she goes to bed with are considerate,
thoughtful or psychic.
mail@savagelove.net
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