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I’ve
been dating this man for about five months and he eats the
nastyst shit in the world. Every night it’s crap like wopers
and fries or he’ll buy a stake from the most gheto supermarkit
he can find and eat it like it’s his last meal. He is fat
and it grosses me out because I know where his fat comes from.
His breath stinks like Taco Bell and his come tastes like
shit. He is also the sweetist man I’ve ever met and he treats
me like a godess. But I’m the kind of person who takes her
health very seriously and just kissing him grosses me out.
How can I tell him without making him feel embarrassed? Is
there a nice way to say, “Your fat because you eat like a
discusting pig and I can hardly kiss those fat greesy lips
of yours any more?”
Good
Food Girl
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Sorry,
GFG, there’s no nice way to tell your boyfriend that the “wopers”
and what they do to his ass, breath, come and lips turns you
off—just as there’s no nice way for me to tell you that your
spelling is absolutely appalling. And not only isn’t there
a nice way to say, “You’re fat because you eat like a discusting
pig,” there’s also no reason to be nice about it. Why soften
the blow? Tell him straight out that if he wants to be with
you he’s going to have to eat decent food and lose some weight.
Consider the nonsmoker who dates a smoker on the condition
that he change his ways. The nonsmoker won’t get anywhere
being nice. No, the nonsmoker has to be blunt: “Stop smoking
or we’re through.” You have to be similarly blunt: He can
have you or he can have his Whoppers but he can’t have both.
Period. Like some smokers, your boyfriend prefers his vice
to your companionship—but so what if he does? There are plenty
of other nice, wonderful guys out there with nongreasy lips.
Perhaps you’ll meet one in that remedial English course you’re
going to sign up for?
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My best friend and roommate of two years is gay. Last weekend
we went to a gay bar in Boston. Although I am a varsity athlete,
I do not “pump-up.” Half the guys in this bar, however, were
shirtless and had great bodies. Apparently this type was attracted
to me: I was “hit” on at least 35 times, and actually found
the attention flattering. But when I told them I was straight,
they were FUCKING RUDE! One guy was outright hostile, and
I would have decked the asshole but he had bicep’s the size
of my thigh. My question involves a hetero entering the gay
“scene.” Why are gay men so rejecting of heteros?
—Stressed
out Straight
So
you went to a gay meat market and the gay men who hit on you
weren’t thrilled when they learned you were straight; one
was “outright hostile.” Boo-fuckin’-hoo. The gay men you encountered
that night weren’t “rejecting of heteros,” you twit. They
were annoyed with you. When gay guys go to gay meat markets,
SOS, they naturally assume that all the other men in the place
are gay and available. You were neither. Naturally the men
in that meat market felt a bit deceived—which is no excuse
for rudeness, of course. But still. Thirty-five gay men hit
on you in a gay meat market and only one was hostile? To repeat:
boo-fuckin’-hoo. Go ask a straight woman how straight guys
react to young, good-looking, and unavailable women who hang
out in straight meat markets.
A final thought, SOS: Some straight men are shits; some gay
men are shits. Gay or straight, men who are trying to get
laid can be especially shitty—and rude and selfish and hostile.
And just as we don’t hold the shitty behavior of some straight
men against all straight men, we don’t hold the shitty behavior
of some gay men against all gay men.
I only get turned on while my boyfriend and I are both
wearing all of our clothes. He, on the other hand, wants to
strip me naked after one kiss. Then it takes me way too long
to get warmed up, and there’s never that great spontaneous
sex feeling. The only time we get to make out with clothes
on is in semi-public, where we have to stay dressed because
there’s the chance we might be seen. This is very exciting
to me. He thinks it’s funny that I get so horny in public
and calls me an exhibitionist. How can I convince him that
I really need to feel his dick trying to break through his
jeans in order to get hot? How do I make him do it in the
bedroom?
—Slow
to strip
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How
do you make your boyfriend keep his clothes on in the bedroom?
By refusing to fuck him unless he keeps his clothes on. If
you’ve told him what it takes to turn you on and he won’t
do it, well, don’t fuck him. Once he sees that there are consequences
to ignoring the things that turn you on, he will be more careful
about making those things happen for you. If, on the other
hand, you consent to sex despite the fact that you’re not
turned on, then he’ll never understand how important this
rolling-around-with-your-clothes-on stuff is to you. So let
him know. The next time he kisses you and instantly strips
naked say, “Sorry, honey, but this just isn’t doing it for
me.” When he asks what he can do to get you in the mood, hand
him his pants and tell him that he already knows what it takes
to turn you on. If he refuses to indulge you in a little fully-
and partly-clothed rolling around before sex, well, then he’s
an inconsiderate, selfish, lazy piece of shit and you should
dump his sorry ass.
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From the very first discussion about boxers vs. briefs,
my workplace has been divided. I steadfastly maintained that
briefs could be sexy; no one else would concede that it might
be possible. I waited anxiously for the contest pics to be
posted, just to prove to them how right I was. Then I went
on vacation. Two weeks later I go on the Web site, and voilà,
the contest is over and the pics were removed! I don’t feel
the need to cast my vote, but I want to see the contestants.
Oh, do I want to see them. Is there a way to see the entries
still?
—M
Jesus
H. Christ, M, the pics were up at www.tightywhitiesarehot.com
for two weeks. Where were you that you couldn’t get
online for two minutes to check out the boys in their
underwear? I spent a week in a tiny fishing village in Mexico
earlier this year and there was an Internet café on every
other corner. I’m sorry, M, the pics are down, and they’re
staying down. As for the winner, who was supposed to be revealed
in this week’s column, I’m actually having a hard time connecting
with him. As soon as I can get him on the phone, I’ll reveal
his name and all pertinent, personal details in the column.
Sit tight, TW fans!
Next week in Savage Love: The furries speak! And roll over!
And go on the carpet! And attempt to chew me a new asshole!
mail@savagelove.net
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