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I’m
a big fat liar! I’m 24 years old and still a virgin. Only
my high school friends know this. I’ve lied to all my college
friends and everyone thereafter. I’m a decent-looking guy,
just never got laid, not even a blow job, hell I have practically
no sexual experience. I have some really good friends now
and still make up everything when we talk about women. This
is really starting to guilt me out because I try to be as
honest as possible. Now a situation presents itself where
the people who know I’m a virgin and those who don’t are going
to meet. As usual with guys getting together and drinking
the topic of sex will come up. I’m afraid my current friends
will find out that I’m a virgin and be outraged that I’ve
been lying to them. Any thoughts on how to get myself out
of this mess and keep my friends?
—Very
Ignorant Regarding General Intercourse Negotiations
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Wow,
what a depressing letter. Twenty-four years old and still
a virgin? Obviously your parents didn’t send you to a Catholic
grade school. Look, the truth about your sexual inexperience
is going to come out sooner or later—you won’t be able to
keep it a secret forever—so I would advise you to take control
of when and how by leveling with your college buddies before
you get them together with your high school buddies. “You
guys,” you should say, “I gotta tell you something. I’ve never
had sex. I was shitting you ’cuz I was embarrassed about being
a virgin.” Coming clean before your high school friends could
expose you as a liar, but it should prevent your college friends
from getting pissed off. It’s an entirely common, entirely
understandable lie—it’s one your college friends probably
told before they lost their virginities (assuming that none
of your college friends aren’t also lying virgins). On the
downside, you’re going to come in for some much deserved teasing
for 1) being a virgin and 2) lying about not being virgin.
Endure their teasing with grace and good humor. On the upside,
your friends may decide to make it their personal missions,
teen-sex-comedy style, to help you find a girlfriend and get
that cherry popped already.
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I am a single, straight girl. I am intelligent, blonde,
I have a good figure. But ALL the guys I’ve been with lately
have dumped me. It’s always after sex, and I know that I’m
not bad in bed. My ex-boyfriend told me that I am intimidating
in bed because of my sex drive. I was seeing a lawyer for
a few weeks, he was great, acted interested, called every
day, took me out, but after I slept with him he flaked out
on our next date and stopped calling me. After the lawyer
I met someone at a friend’s birthday party. He was really
intelligent and he seemed interested. We had sex after out
third date and then the same thing happened: He flaked out
on our next date, and stopped calling. I don’t understand
why people have to do this. It really hurts my feelings. How
can I get men to stop treating me like this? Why are people
so cold? I’m really pissed, how can I get even with these
jerks for making me feel lame? Is there something wrong with
me?
—Lonely
Girl
Wow,
another depressing letter.
There are two possible explanations for your recent troubles
with men: Explanation No. 1: You are intimidating in
bed, just as your previous boyfriend claimed. When men say
a woman is “intimidating in bed” they usually mean she’s assertive
about what she likes and lets them know what she expects.
Some men prefer women who are more on the passive side, and
it’s entirely possible that you dated two men in a row who
were turned off when you grabbed them by the hair and steered
their faces down to your crotch and barked, “Lick that clit,
boy, yeah. You heard me, boy, lick it.”
Explanation No. 2: You’re really bad in bed. Bad-in-bed would
explain why these two guys stopped calling immediately after
you slept with them for the first time. You claim that you’re
not bad in bed, but you’re probably not the best judge of
your own sexual performance. The guys in the best position
to know how good a lay you are don’t appear to share your
high opinion. I mean, they’re not exactly clamoring for seconds,
are they?
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I have a 37-year-old male friend who, because of an evening
of drinking, motorcycles and helmetlessness, now spends his
evenings home alone with slurred speech, some traumatic brain
damage, and one leg. He has not touched a woman since his
accident. He is tired of porn and well beyond shame. He can’t
and won’t pay for it. Can you help me help him, Dan? Any woman
interested in becoming his pen pal (or possibly more!) will
be doing God’s work. Women won’t find commitment, control
or infidelity issues with this guy. Could you at least share
this letter with your readers, Dan?
—Disabled
Dilemma
—P.S.
Ideas? Volunteers? Feel free to contact me at findmyfriendanicegirl@hotmail.com
Wow, this is the most depressing letter of all.
OK, because your letter is the single most depressing piece
of mail I have ever received, here it is in the column. I
would hope, however, that the appearance of this letter doesn’t
fill your friend with false hopes. I doubt very much that
many of my female readers will be clamoring to be pen pals
(or possibly more!) with a one-legged, brain-damaged guy with
slurred speech. Pity may prompt a few women to write, but
the odds of your friend getting any pussy out of this are
pretty slim—and this is about getting your friend some pussy,
after all.
If I were a different sort of advice columnist—kind, supportive,
delusional—I would offer you a few comforting lies and wrap
up my comments with something like this: “There’s a gal out
there for every fella, and your friend just needs to keep
his spirits up and keep looking!” Unfortunately that’s not
always the case. Women (and men) who are willing to date/fuck/marry
someone with brain damage, missing limbs and slurred speech
are few and far between. As terrible as it sounds, your friend’s
getting-laid days may very well be over. That sounds awful,
I realize, and it’s hardly fair. “People should look at the
person on the inside,” you may be saying, “and not focus on
superficial things like brain damage, missing limbs and slurred
speech.” To which I would respond, “How many one-legged, brain-damaged
women with slurred speech did your friend date before he had
his accident? How many have you dated?”
I think your friend should reconcile himself to being alone—not
because I know for a fact that he will be alone for the rest
of his life, but because odds are better that he is going
to be alone. Reconciling himself to being alone won’t preclude
him from meeting someone someday, it’ll just keep him from
being miserable until he lucks out and meets someone, or until
his life is over. The other thing he should reconcile himself
to is paying for it. Men can and do establish actual relationships
with escorts, relationships that, while still a business arrangement,
are nevertheless grounded in real affection.
mail@savagelove.net
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