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I’m
a 21-year-old female and I know the my-boyfriend-has-a-diaper-fetish
thing has been done to death. But . . .
We’ve been together for two years. When he mustered up the
courage to tell me about his fetish, I was supportive even
though it did seem odd. To be completely honest, he’s so good
looking and such a wonderful guy that I was worried about
losing him if I seemed less than ecstatic.
Flash forward a year and a half. We’re very close, we’re in
a really good place, and we want to get married. However,
his fetish has started to bother me. In the beginning he wanted
me to talk down to him, he’d come in his diaper, and we were
done. We’d do that roughly once a week. Now it’s all he ever
wants to do and “normal” sex is off the menu. And his fetish
has progressed to these elaborate role-play scenarios complete
with “sissy outfits.” Sometimes it takes a whole day of role-playing
to satisfy him and he makes me feel guilty if I refuse.
I know he’s attracted to me—my attractiveness is a significant
part of the role- playing—but I feel like he’s being selfish.
I also don’t want him to do what I want just for the sake
of doing what I want. I’m getting sick of this inner dialogue.
What do you think? And please don’t pass me up because you’ve
answered infantilism questions in the past.
—Sick
Of Diapered Sissy
You’re
right, SODS—we have done the boyfriend-has-a-diaper-fetish
thing to death. In fact, I responded to a woman who signed
herself Beyond Annoyed in February; she was married to a diaper-loving
adult baby who was neglecting her desire for vanilla sex.
Now normally I wouldn’t run a letter from a reader with an
identical problem, SODS, but I’m going to make an exception
in your case. No need to thank me.
Thank O. J. Wandrisco.
Wandrisco is the director of a Christian youth group in Mt.
Lebanon, Pennsylvania, and to “break the ice” at a recent
meeting, Mr. Wandrisco sent three teenage boys—14-year-old
boys—into a restroom with an older teenager. The boys were
given “adult diapers, bibs, and bonnets and directed to take
their clothes off and put the diapers, bibs, and bonnets on,”
the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported. “The boys returned
to the group, where they were asked to sit in the laps of
three girls. The girls spoon-fed baby food to the boys and
then gave them baby bottles filled with soda pop. The first
boy to finish was the winner.”
Putting horny 14-year-old boys in diapers and plopping them
on the laps of teenage girls for a little spoon- and bottle-feeding—thus
are lifelong fetishes born. Not that I have anything against
fetishes, lifelong or temporary, or the kind of formative
life experiences that create ’em. I live in the house that
fetishes bought, after all. But can you imagine the uproar
from Christian groups if a gay youth group employed similar
ice-breaking techniques?
A spokesman for the Christian youth group told the Pittsburgh
Post-Gazette that they’ve been doing this “skit” for years;
they also do a “skit” where girls eat chocolate pudding out
of adult diapers. The spokesman also insisted that the boys
from Mt. Lebanon “had fun” in those diapers. I’ll bet they
did—and odds are good that they’re going to be having fun
in diapers for the rest of their lives.
Okay, SODS, here’s the advice I offered Beyond Annoyed: “Cut
the brat off—no more baby games until he can successfully
wrap his bonnet around this: Your pleasure matters as much
as his does. He may not be interested in regular sex, but
he needs to learn to fake it convincingly. And finally, BA,
tell him that his continued failure to meet your vanilla needs
is gonna get his diapered ass [dumped], leaving him single
and shit out of luck, sex-partner-wise, for the rest of his
adult infancy.”
I frequently caution vanilla types not to leave folks on account
of their kinks. “Dump the honest foot-fetishist,” goes the
Karmic Rule of Kink (KROK), “and you will marry the dishonest
necrophiliac.” So good on you, SODS, for the way you handled
your boyfriend’s revelation. But KROK applies to kinksters,
too: A lucky kinkster with an indulgent vanilla partner who
fails to joyfully accommodate his partner’s desire for “normal”
sex is gonna get his ass dumped and then he’s never gonna
get his kinky rocks off again without having to pay a pro
$500 an hour to put up with his bullshit.
Of course, your boyfriend may not believe that he’s neglecting
your needs. Concerned about seeming “less than ecstatic” when
he broke the news, since he’s so good looking you were afraid
of losing him, your feigned enthusiasm may have led him to
believe that you find his kink just as exciting as he does.
If that’s the case, you’re going to have to take it back without
making him feel violated. So when you cut him off, SODS, tell
him that neither of you will be enjoying his kinks until vanilla
sex is back on the menu.
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I am a 26-year-old gay man living in Boston. I recently
started dating a man in his 30s whose biggest turn-on is having
a guy lick and kiss the bottoms of his feet. At first I enjoyed
watching him get so much satisfaction while I licked and kissed
his feet. But now I’m feeling uneasy. He has started asking
me to get naked and worship his feet while he remains clothed
and engages in nonsexual activities—things like watching TV,
eating dinner, or just sitting back and having a smoke. I’m
concerned that he’s degrading me. I do have to say he more
than gets me off after I do this for him. But I don’t want
to be in a relationship based on my being degraded—as good
as it may feel to both of us.
Do I put up with feeling degraded and stick around for the
great sex? Do I tell him how I’m feeling?
—New
Foot Licker
His biggest turn-on is having his feet “worshipped,” he wants
you to worship said feet while he ignores you, and he remains
fully clothed while you slobber away bare-ass naked—uh, NFL?
This scenario is all about degradation, about you debasing
yourself to affirm his sexual dominance. So long as he’s only
interested in degrading you when you’re having sex, NFL, and
not interested in degrading or dominating you 24/7, then you’re
not in a relationship “based on [your] being degraded,” but
in a relationship with someone turned on by role-playing degradation
scenarios.
Does his desire to have you worship his feet while he engages
in nonsexual activities—TV, meals, smokes—represent outside-of-sex
slippage? Not so long as hot sex follows your degradation,
NFL. You see, your slobbering and your nudity transform whatever
“nonsexual activities” he’s engaging in—or pretending to engage
in—into highly charged sexual activities. When you’re not
naked on the floor licking the bottoms of his feet, NFL, then
watching TV is just watching TV. But when you are on the floor
licking the bottoms of his feet, watching TV is foreplay.
Finally, NFL, of course you should tell him how you’re feeling.
You should also ask him where, if anywhere, this is going.
Is this scenario—you completely nude, worshipping his feet
while he, fully clothed, ignores you—the end point? Is it
his ultimate turn-on? Or is he grooming you for more degrading
tasks? But first ask yourself this: “What if his answer is
yes?”
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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