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I
came out after a number of years of “playing straight.” I
had two relatively long-term monogamous gay relationships,
then converted a friend into a boyfriend. We bought a house,
got a dog, and live in the burbs. Supposedly, life is good.
I’m a fairly athletic guy, and I got started playing sports
partly to overcome my internal homophobia. My partner isn’t
athletic. He likes to stay home, watch movies, cook with real
butter—consequently, he’s out of shape. Our relationship is
great in that we have a high degree of true honesty between
us—he’s a trustworthy guy, and I love him and his family.
The issue is that I often feel stuck. I’ve dealt with some
anxiety and am taking medication to help that. I’m a fairly
balanced guy, but I still feel the urge to get out and be
with other guys I find more attractive. I struggle in that
I’m with the guy of my dreams—in every way except that he’s
bear-shaped and that’s not my thing. I’ve gotten to the point
where I don’t even want to go out with friends because I’m
afraid I’ll have a few beers and end up giving in to my own
urges to play around with another guy and I don’t want to
cheat. My partner is generally GGG when it comes to trying
new things, but it’s not really working. I’m just not attracted
to my guy sexually.
Please don’t say, “Well, if you don’t want to fuck him, you
should just move on.” I’m looking for some real advice. My
partner and I have talked about three-ways, messing around
with another couple, things like that. I haven’t felt comfortable
exploring that area because I think he would have an emotional
meltdown if I actually expressed an interest in any other
guy.
—Seeking
a Solution
OK
. . .
I’m forbidden to offer you the obvious advice—leave
the boyfriend because you’re not sexually attracted to him—because
you would prefer some real advice. And since you’re
not going to leave, I guess it would be a waste of time to
point out that your creeping sense of misery and despair,
which has you medicating yourself to stay in this relationship,
is only going to get worse. And I can’t advise you to sleep
around, as that would be cheating. And you can’t open the
relationship up because your boyfriend, with whom you enjoy
a “high degree of honesty,” would have an emotional meltdown
if you told him the truth about how you’re feeling.
So what advice do I have for you? Uh . . . gee. Start drinking
heavily, I guess, because you’re really fucked, SAS. Your
sexual dissatisfaction and sense of being trapped are only
going to grow—until, of course, those feelings are overtaken
by feelings of resentment, and soon thereafter you’ll be subconsciously
sabotaging the relationship in a desperate effort to act on
a completely understandable desire: to be intimate with someone
who actually turns you on.
Look, SAS, I’m not trying to be an asshole (being an asshole
has always come easy). But I want to tell you to leave—to
part now on good terms, to accept that this wasn’t meant to
be, to convert the boyfriend back to a friend—just as you
suspected I would. And you ruled that advice out. So I did
the best I could under the circumstances.
For the past 15 years, I’ve identified as bisexual:
I’ve been in monogamous relationships with men and women.
I married a wonderful guy a few years ago. However, I recently
realized that I identify as gay. I’ve talked to my husband
about this and he’s OK with it. I decided to stay with him
and remain monogamous. We have a great relationship—and great
sex. We left open the possibility of me taking a female lover
in the future, if needed. For now, I’m happy with him. I flirt
with girls, we talk openly about my preferences, but I haven’t
had sex with a woman since before I married him. And I’m OK
with that.
So, here’s my dilemma: Is it right to call myself a lesbian
if I’m married to (and sexually involved with) a man? I hesitate
to stay with the “bi” label, since I have no interest in other
men. Can I call myself a lesbian even though I’m not sleeping
with women?
—Lesbian
and Married To A Man
No.
I wanted to respond to An Unmarried Woman. As a result
of her “nice, funny” husband- material boyfriend’s “boring”
sexual style, AUW has begun to cheat on him with her ex-boyfriend.
I married my version of her boyfriend. So did many of my friends.
Years later, all of us have:
1. Left our nice husbands because the sex was so unexciting,
2. Had affairs, or
3. Complained endlessly about how we feel trapped and frustrated
in our sexually unfulfilling marriages.
AUW needs to walk away and she needs to do it now—before she
feels crummy about cheating, before she “settles” for bad
sex as a trade-off for “settling down,” and before she has
any kids whose lives will be affected by her future unhappiness
and whatever steps she takes to deal with it.
Part of the problem here is that your standard advice to DTMFA
doesn’t always apply, Dan. AUW’s boyfriend is not a motherfucker;
he’s a good, decent, caring, funny, responsible man, a potential
life partner. Women are strongly socialized to downplay their
own sexual needs in relation to their desire for security
and stability. We’re taught that this is the mature decision,
and that what’s important is that we choose the “good” guy.
Only trailer-park sluts—ignorant and sex-driven—would value
good sex above all that more “important” stuff.
But as you well know, Dan, good sex is damn important, and
our desire for it doesn’t necessarily fade over time. AUW
should think about this: Even when there’s a strong sexual
connection, over time the novelty wears off, people have to
“work” at keeping the sex hot, and children and bills and
the daily grind take their toll. Where does she think she
and Mr. Nice Guy will wind up sexually in 10 years if they
have an uninspired sex life now?
AUW should wait for someone who “worships [her] pussy” and
who is in other ways appropriate for the long haul. You can
get a lot of your needs met outside of marriage, AUW, without
being unfaithful. You can laugh, talk, go to movies, knit,
etc., with friends, and it’s OK. But once you go outside the
marriage to fuck, you have crossed a heavy line. Marry someone
who can meet your sexual needs.
—Me
and Everyone I Know
Thanks
for sharing, MAEIK, and you’re right—DTMFA doesn’t apply in
this instance. So let’s coin a new catchphrase. You like him/her
but he/she bores the hell out of you? “Try and let that person—that
kind, good person—down as easily as you can. Be careful with
their heart!” Or, “TALTP—TKGP—DAEAYC. BCWTH!” Hmm, kind of
unwieldy. Got a better idea, readers? Send it in.
Oh, and lots more advice for AUW can be found at www.thestranger.com/savage/
unmarriedwoman.
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a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
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