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Hear
me out. You’ve pushed the idea that everyone must be GGG,
or “good, giving, and game,” and that people in relationships
must be sluts for each other, and that women must perform
oral sex. I agree that sexual satisfaction for both parties
in a relationship is important. I think that is what you are
trying to express. But that is not the message straight men
are hearing. Straight men are hearing that they are entitled
to whatever they want, whenever they want it, whether the
women they’re with like it or not. And any woman who objects
is a horrible person.
Please set the record straight! A clarification from you is
long overdue. Please let straight men know that women don’t
owe them anything. Men don’t owe women anything. When a man
wants something from a woman, it’s her choice to give it.
It’s not her duty. And you have to be a decent person to earn
it!
—Please
Say This
First
off, PST, while it’s true that I’ve “pushed the idea” that
women must perform oral sex, I’ve also pushed the idea that
men must as well. “Oral sex is standard,” I wrote. “Any model
that comes without it should be returned to the lot.” That
applies equally to both men and women, regardless of sexual
orientation.
As for GGG, perhaps a clarification is in order. ExtraUgly.com
is selling “Good Giving Game Girl” T-shirts and their Web
site defines GGG as “the three key attributes of a good, freaky
sex partner. As promoted by Savage Love. Buy it for all yo
favorite ho’s.”
Memo to ExtraUgly.com: GGG isn’t just for girls, and being
GGG doesn’t make someone yo ho. Boys who are virgins on their
wedding nights can be GGG and so can girls uploading amateur
ATM porn from their dorm rooms. Here’s what I wrote when I
first coined GGG: “‘Good, giving, and game’ is what we should
all strive to be for our sex partners, as in, ‘good in bed,’
‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within
reason.’” (Please note that “within reason,” selfish, demanding
kinksters.) GGG is something straight women, straight men,
lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, MTFs, FTMs, etc., should all
strive to be.
Where we part ways, PST, is the “owe” issue. I happen to believe
that we owe our sex partners a few things. Good personal hygiene,
for starters, followed by a sense of humor, a willingness
to meet our lovers’ needs, and cleanish sheets. And someone
who’s unwilling or incapable of meeting a partner’s needs
owes ’em permission to get those needs met elsewhere—safely
and responsibly, within reason, and on a budget.
But these are merely my secrets for a happy, fulfilling, lasting
relationship. Folks who prefer stressful, aggravating, short-lived
relationships—ones characterized by shouts of “I don’t owe
you anything!”—are free to disregard my advice.
I’m a 28-year-old straight guy. My fetishes include
getting laid and playing with boobs. Pretty vanilla. But when
I masturbate, I can only bring myself to climax by dry-humping
something: a pillow, the mattress, rolled-up comforter, whatever.
I’ve never been able to masturbate “normally”—and not for
lack of trying. But unless I’m rubbin’ it against something,
I just can’t finish. I can and do blow from sex, head, and
handjobs from women, but that’s obviously when other people
are involved.
Now, I’m happy to spend the rest of my life humping the sofa.
My concern is this: Am I slowly ruining my cock? If I’m pounding
a sofa while other guys are going at it with soft and oily
hands, then I may be doing some damage down there, right?
Over time, can I expect that this practice will result in
a loss of sensitivity, or god forbid, an inability to perform?
—Look
Ma, No Hands
At
28-years-old, LMNH, you’ve been masturbating for how long
now? Fifteen years? More? If humping a sofa hasn’t ruined
you already—if you can still come during vaginal and oral
sex, and when you get handjobs from other people—then you’re
obviously not doing yourself any harm.
If you’re concerned about the intensity with which you have
to bang away at any given sofa in order to get off when you’re
alone, LMNH, you could experiment with edging. Bring yourself
to the brink again and again, and gradually decrease the intensity
of the stimulation as you proceed. Start out humping the couch
across the room, but work toward barely grazing the couch
with your cock. This isn’t about retraining your cock or undoing
any damage—I don’t think you’ve done yourself any damage.
It’s about reassuring yourself that, yes indeed, you can come
from stimulation that varies from intense to subtle.
And those folks doing it with fists? Not all of them are doing
it “soft and oily.” Some men who masturbate “normally” do
themselves lasting damage by gripping themselves too firmly,
aka “the death grip.” Varying your masturbatory routine is
a good idea whether you’re using your fist or your sofa.
What’s a good response to the extremely trite, clichéd
statement “I’m not good at commitment”?
—Sick
Of Male Commitment Phobes
“Commit
to pulling your dick out of me, then commit to getting the
fuck out of my apartment.”
I’m a 24-year-old female and I’ve been with my boyfriend
for almost five years. We’re transitioning to a long-distance
relationship in January when he moves a hojillion miles away
to go to law school. He’s 28, an angel, and I want to have
a baby. He doesn’t want to have a baby, at least not in the
foreseeable future, and he’s made it clear that if I give
him an ultimatum, he’ll dump my ass. I’m longing to spawn,
so I’ve decided to get pregnant by him and not tell him. He
has nothing to do with birth control, never has, so my plan
will succeed. I’m going to do this: That’s not in question.
The question is, do I tell him? I’m not going to dun him for
child support or anything, but I’d let him be as involved
as he wants to be—pictures, visits, moving in together to
raise the kid. I’m never going to tell him that I got knocked
up on purpose. I could also theoretically pretend that the
brat is someone else’s, but that would require some fudging
of dates. So what, if anything, do I tell him, and when?
Thanks, love your brain.
—E.
Thanks
for loving my brain, E., but I’m hating your ass.
Not only is what you’re planning to do unfair to your boyfriend—who,
just like a woman, has a right to decide when, whether, and
with whom he would like to reproduce (and who, like most men,
needs to be more proactive about birth control to protect
his right to make that decision)—it’s hugely unfair to any
“brat” unlucky enough to drop from your twat.
But, hey, your mind is made up—you’re doing this thing. And
I’m not running your letter to argue with you, E. I’m only
running it in hopes that a certain 28-year-old who’s about
to go to law school a hojillion miles away from his 24-year-old
batshitcrazy girlfriend sees it, recognizes himself, and dumps
the lying little sociopath.
And yes, everybody, I realize this letter could be fake. But
just in case it’s not, here it is.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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