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I
am a 24-year-old male somnophiliac—that is, I’m turned on
by the idea of having sex with a woman while she sleeps. So
long as we have a healthy awake sex life, my wife says I can
do whatever I like when she sleeps. The problem is that when
I try to touch her in her sleep, she whimpers, turns away,
and otherwise makes herself inaccessible. Only on two occasions
has she been in a deep enough sleep—read: drunk/passed out—for
me to take the liberties that she has OK’d.
It’s aggravating that my wife is GGG when she’s awake, but
rescinds her offer when she’s actually asleep. She is aware
that she is noncooperative in her sleep, but has been unable
to amend the situation. Do you know of any ways to make a
person more accepting of intimacy in her sleep?
—I
Loves Me Some Sleepin’ Ladies
Ambien.
Next!
My boyfriend is a straight guy who likes me, his not-so-straight
fiancée, to play with his ass. Sometimes I use a vibrator
or strap-on, but usually it’s just a finger. Can you tell
me how in fucking hell do I get rid of “stinky poo finger”?
Whenever I finger his ass, we stop fooling around so I can
wash my hands—and sometimes I can’t get the smell off after
washing for a good five minutes. I’m lucky he’s still hard
when I get out of the bathroom.
—Stinky
Poo Finger
If
his butt musk bothers you so much, SPF, slip a condom over
your finger before you stick it in his ass. Next!
I recently did a naughty thing. I accessed my boyfriend’s
phone while he was snoring like a lumberjack and found a picture
of HUGE BARE tits in his pictures. Grrr! I don’t know what
to do! If he knows the person these tits belong to, Dan, I
want to know just how well he knows her. If it’s a picture
one of his scumbag friends sent him, I don’t want to blow
my cover. (Now I can’t look at his phone for a while because
he suspects I looked at it.) Also, we’ve been fighting and
I decided to abstain from sex until he makes me change my
mind. So due to our lack of sex, do you think he is using
this picture to jack off? Talking to him is not an option—but
I do want to know if he is cheating on me. How can I find
out?
—New
York Chick
You
and your boyfriend are pathetic, game playing douchebags.
Grow the fuck up. Next!
My husband enjoys dressing up in women’s lingerie. It’s
not my thing, but I love him and oblige because I know that
he needs it. My husband has a close female friend; I was suspicious
they were having an affair. When I asked him about it, he
assured me that wasn’t the case. Since then, however, I’ve
learned that he told this friend about his fetish. I’m fairly
certain that no other friends of his know about his dressing
up, with the exception of old girlfriends/lovers. I can’t
imagine sharing such intimate information about myself with
anyone except a lover. Is my husband playing dress-up with
this woman?
—Dressed
To Kill
How
the fuck should I know? Next!
Recently, my wife and I went to a New England oceanside
resort an hour from where we live. You would instantly recognize
the name, as it is also a gay mecca. I booked a massage. The
masseur was gay. He started on my stomach, periodically brushing
along the very top of my pubic hairs as his fingers glided
along the very tiny towel covering my cock. Tropistically,
I started to become erect, thereby elevating the towel; I
apologized profusely. (Seriously, Dan, I was embarrassed.)
He sweetly diffused my embarrassment by saying, “You straight
guys are so polite.” Then I got the best fucking handjob I
have ever had in my entire life—I nearly passed out. Now I
want to go back. Might this be considered buying sex? But
is it really sex? I am hardly attracted to him, physically
or emotionally, and I have no desire to reciprocate. Ergo,
is it “sex”?
—A
Recent Rub Slut
I
think handjobs are sex, ARRS. But maybe you should ask the
wife for a second opinion. Next!
My husband and I have been married for three years (yay
for living in equal-marriage-rights-loving Canada!), and we’re
trying to figure out our sex life. His sex drive is bigger
than mine; plus he enjoys BDSM and I don’t. We opened up our
relationship years ago (with constant communication and boundary
discussions), and it’s gone well. This has meant threesomes
and him getting extra action on the side. Now, I want some
extra action on the side. His outside action is pretty BDSM-focused,
which he justifies by saying I won’t give him that side of
things. But I want a little different-person sex, not different
sex, and he says I should just have more sex with him.
Am I selfish to want outside fun, just like him?
—More
Action Troubles Husband
Nope.
Next!
I’ve been reading your column since my early teens.
I am now 21, in my first serious relationship, and thanking
my lucky stars every day that your column was in the paper
every week when I was growing up. My teenage brain soaked
up everything you wrote. Your liberal views on everything
from same-sex marriage to a person’s god-given right to pee
on himself if he wants to, set an example that the crusty
old lady teaching sex ed in high school failed to.
My relationship with my boyfriend is perfect and our sex life
is, too. Thanks to you, I understand that sex needs to be
talked about. I’m aware of my own fetishes and kinks, and
I’m confident sharing them. Most importantly, you helped me
see the value of being in a committed, loving, accepting union.
I read my boyfriend your column every week.
—Savage
Disciple
Aw,
shucks! Next!
I had to write about the couple who incorporated lactation
into their BDSM relationship. As a breastfeeding mother, all
I could think reading MADMILK’s letter was, “What are they
doing with all the milk?” If they have a surplus, and they
must, I hope they’re donating it to a milk bank and not just
throwing it away. It takes a lot of work to establish and
sustain a milk supply and donated milk goes to the very sickest
babies. If they Google “milk banks” they’ll find lots of useful
information.
—Mom
Open Mind
Savage
Love: People helping perverts help babies. Next!
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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