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I’m
a 22-year-old male from Canada and in a long-term relationship.
The sex is fantastic, we’ve always been GGG, and our bedroom
habits include talking dirty and light bondage, which she
loves. However, my girlfriend sometimes complains that I “degrade”
her in the bedroom and she thinks that this is representative
of a larger lack of respect for her. I’m very respectful outside
the bedroom: I buy her flowers, I write to her when she’s
away, and I make sure to treat her friends well. But she constantly
accuses me of infidelity despite the fact that I am and have
always been completely faithful. How do I prove to my girlfriend
that she’s important to me and get her to chill out?
—Constantly
Being Evaluated
You
don’t, CBE, because your girlfriend isn’t interested in proof
of your fidelity or of her importance to you. Jesus Christ
himself could appear floating in a cloud of aborted fetuses
at the foot of the bed and tell your girlfriend Himself that
you’re good and true and faithful. But it sounds like your
girlfriend prefers things the way they are now: You indulge
her kinks during sex; she feels guilty after sex and shifts
all responsibility to you through accusations of disrespect;
and she makes you feel miserable and insecure by pretending
that she’s miserable and insecure. It’s how she controls you.
You really only have two options, CBE. You can dump her now
or you can call her on her bullshit by saying something like
this: “Look, if the kinky sex makes you doubt my feelings
for you, let’s not have kinky sex anymore. And if the flowers,
notes, fidelity, and respect, to say nothing of the way I
treat your friends, lead you to believe that I’m cheating
on you, honey, then I’m prepared to stop buying you flowers,
stop writing you notes, start sleeping with other people,
start ignoring your friends, and generally treat you like
shit. Is it a deal?”
Women’s rape fantasies come up pretty frequently in
the column, but men’s rape fantasies don’t come up so much.
I am a mid-20s straight woman who dates a lot. Even though
I occasionally fantasize about being raped and I make it perfectly
clear to the men I date that this is just a fantasy, I am
creeped out by the fact that some of the men I’ve dated have
fantasies of raping women. Do you think that’s unfair?
—Double
Standard
Yes
I do, DS. Women who open up about rape fantasies—with their
partners, in letters to skeezy sex-advice columnists—are always
quick to include a qualifier along the lines of “this is just
a fantasy,” making it clear to all that they are not interested
in actually being raped. Well, just as a woman can have rape
fantasies without wanting to be the victim of an actual rape,
a man can have rapist fantasies without wanting to commit
an actual rape. And really, DS, where would ladies with rape-victim
fantasies be without men with rape-perp fantasies?
What do you say on the “morning after” to friends you’ve
slept with drunk that you would not sleep with sober? Say
you pretty much blacked out and have little recollection of
the sex, but they are joyful and thinking this is the beginning
of something special. You, on the other hand, want to crawl
out of your skin, shower until they are gone, and forget what
you do remember. What do you say to them without hurting their
feelings? Any advice?
—One
Too Many
Them? What do you say to them? How about, “I have a drinking
problem.” Because if you’re having blackout sex with friends
you’re not attracted to frequently enough to toss a plural
pronoun around so casually, OTM, booze is your problem, not
sex.
I am in my 20s. I was raped two years ago. In the two
years since, I have dealt with the experience and have finally
put it behind me. I know what I want now sexually and am ready,
yet I can’t seem to get any. I have plenty of attractive,
flirtatious, and available friends, but I don’t know how to
get them into the desired situation. I am not looking for
a monogamous relationship, just a casual, friendly, mutually
respectful fling. Any tips for a recovering rape victim?
—Too
Young For No Sex Life
Find
some new friends?
I’m not suggesting that you drop your current friends, TYFNSL,
but you might need to look outside your present social circle
for sex partners. If those attractive, flirtatious, and available
pals of yours were aware of the rape after it happened, and
were your support system during your two-year recovery, it
may be difficult for them to see you as something other than
a victim. Look elsewhere for sex partners and you’ll have
more luck.
I’m a young gay man, not messed up, and I ignore people
who think there’s something wrong with being gay. Why don’t
more gay men do this? I can’t go on a date without hearing
the coming-out story or dealing with EPDM, or “Effeminate
Personality Defense Mechanisms.” Where are the gay men living
as they want to live rather than living in reaction to people
who have a problem with their sexuality?
—Optimistic
Gay Guy In Ohio
P.S.
I’ve enclosed some pictures. They’re basically to get your
attention . . . hope they worked.
As first-date conversation topics go, OGGIO, it’s hard to
beat coming-out stories. You get to swap a little info about
your families, your first sexual experiences, your first boyfriends.
Basically you get to learn how your date came to be the healthy,
out homo sitting in front of you, and he gets to learn the
same about you. And the next time you’re listening to someone’s
coming out story, OGGIO, remember this: Truly messed-up fags
can’t tell you their coming-out stories because they don’t
have coming-out stories to tell. They’re still closeted.
As for effeminacy, OGGIO, it’s not always an act; it’s not
something insecure gay men do to piss off homophobes, straight
or gay. Even if you’re not attracted to the honest swishes,
which is fine, don’t assume they’re not “living as they want.”
And the next time you see someone with what you think is a
bad case of EPDM, try to remember this: It takes more guts
to be an out swish in our society than it takes to be a str8-acting,
A&F-wearing, frat-boy clone.
Oh, and thanks for the pics. Obviously they worked.
Hey,
Everybody: Every week I let my readers know they can download
a Savage Love podcast at www.thestranger.com/savage. I wanted
to thank everyone for doing just that. My podcast is in the
top 10 in the Health category at iTunes, and bounces between
first and second place in the Sexuality category, regularly
trading places with Man and Wife, a hilarious video podcast.
I was dubious, to say the least, when some tech-savvy, at-risk
youths approached me about doing a podcast. They were right,
I was wrong, and we’re going to keep those podcasts coming.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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