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I
regard this column, gentle readers, as a sacred calling and
I would never intentionally do anything that would cause you
to question my judgment. Sound judgment, after all, is the
professional advice columnist’s most precious commodity.
Nevertheless, I have—once again—stupidly auctioned off the
right to give advice in this space. Every once in a while
some do-gooder gets me shitfaced and the next thing I know
I’m raising money for some dumbass charity. (This week’s column
is feeding the homeless—you know, in addition to clothing
them.) Auctioning off the column is a risky business because
what if the winning bidders are assholes? What if they spew
bullshit? What if they cruelly abuse readers seeking my counsel?
And what if they’re better at all of that than I am?
Because being an asshole, spewing bullshit, and cruelly abusing
readers is my goddamn job. And it’s not in my best interest
to create the impression that just anyone can do this shit.
Meet the winning bidders: Steve Lippman and his lovely wife,
Marla Russo. Steve is a 37-year-old Jewish dude who does advocacy
work for a socially responsible investment firm that I’m not
allowed to name in my skeezy advice column. Marla works in
public health and was raised Catholic. For the sake of the
folks whose letters they’re responding to, I’m hoping Steve
and Marla are good at this. But for the sake of my own job
security, gentle readers, I’m hoping Steve and Marla totally
suck.
I hope you post this note as a warning. I recommend that everybody
stay away from Craigslist. When I started looking at the personals
on Craigslist, I was fascinated (there are some freaks out
there), but I was also looking for pictures with bare female
flesh. After I exhausted the pages for cities in the U.S.,
I started looking at ads posted in other countries. That’s
when I noticed that the same hot babe in Finland posted the
same picture in six different U.S. states and four different
countries.
She wasn’t the only one posting the same ad in many different
places. When I realized that all these offers for NSA sex
were scams, I lost interest in even looking at the pictures.
Your readers should know that hot anonymous sex is unlikely
to occur—at least through Craigslist—and focus their efforts
elsewhere.
—Don’t
Be Fooled
STEVE:
If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. On
the Internet, that applies to: (1) offers for creams to help
men “grow extra inches”; (2) chain e-mails claiming that if
you forward them, you’ll get cash from Bill Gates/a big pharmaceutical
company will give free drugs to a poor kid with cancer; and
(3) Craigslist ads for no-strings-attached sex posted by women
with pictures that look remarkably similar to porn stars or
Lindsay Lohan.
But there are real women on Craigslist. Some of them post
for NSA sex in the Casual Encounters section, and many more
post in other categories, like Women Seeking Men, Women Seeking
Women, and Missed Connections. I know this because five years
ago I met my own “too good to be true” wife by answering her
Craigslist ad (which I want my in-laws to know was not
a posting for NSA sex).
MARLA: SA sex is fun, too.
DAN: OK, that wasn’t too bad—although it would be nice if
Marla would shut the fuck up and let Steve get a word in edgewise.
But Steve and Marla weren’t nearly abusive enough to DBF,
who comes across like a total douche. A true advice professional
would call attention to DBF’s total douchebaggery. Grade:
B-.
I’m sure you’ve answered a question like this before
or have refused to answer on principle, but where can you
find down-to-earth, laid-back gay men? I’m trying to avoid
the online-dating thing because it’s not really romantic,
but trying to meet guys in a large room with a remix of a
remix bouncing in the background isn’t working either.
—Little
Or No Effort
STEVE:
In less than five minutes of Internet searching, I found the
Steel City Skiers, a group for gay skiers and snowboarders
in Pittsburgh; Gapers Block, a Chicago book club for gays
and lesbians who read books about the Windy City or by authors
from that area; Bottom Dwellers, a gay-and-lesbian scuba-diving
club in Seattle; and OUTdoors KC, “a gay-inclusive club for
those interested in biking, hiking, walking, camping, and
other outdoor recreational activities in Kansas City.” Point
is, even if you don’t like online personals, with little or
no effort you are only a few clicks away from finding a group
of gay men who live near you and like whatever scene you do.
MARLA: Nice job, Steve.
DAN: Blah blah, Marla! Let the man talk! But Steve really
pounds his point home—and even works LONE’s sign-off into
his response. B+.
I’m hoping you can give me some advice. I’m a happily
married 27-year-old female. The problem is that I’ve never
been able to have an orgasm. I had several relationships before
my husband and none of those men were able to get me to orgasm.
I’ve tried to masturbate several times, but am not able to
reach orgasm. Are some women physically incapable of having
an orgasm? Do you have any advice for me? This is upsetting
my husband, and he feels like he’s failing.
—Not
Coming Around
MARLA:
It’s a commonly cited statistic that 70 percent of women don’t
orgasm from intercourse alone, so one question is whether
your husband and previous sex partners have provided you with
enough clitoral stimulation with their hands, mouths, plush
toys, etc., for you to orgasm. You haven’t given yourself
much clitoral stimulation either if you’ve only masturbated
a few times.
Putting pressure on yourself with expectations from you or
your husband isn’t going to help the situation any. But putting
pressure on yourself with a Hitachi Magic Wand or other vibrators
may help a whole lot! Vibrators are so popular these days
that it’s only a matter of time until Apple comes out with
cute white iVibes that let you listen to music, make cell-phone
calls, send e-mail, and watch YouTube videos all while stimulating
your clitoris. Until then, there are great options available
online at www.babeland.com and www.good vibrations.com. Take
some time to experiment on your own with what feels good.
If that works for you, you can incorporate it into sex with
your husband.
STEVE: If you still can’t orgasm, you should talk to your
doctor because there are a few hormone disorders, medications
you may be on, or other medical conditions that can prevent
orgasm. Some might say to start with this step, but quality
time with a new vibrator is more fun than talking to your
doctor about this issue, and might just be the cure. Plus,
you can get a vibrator delivered to your door faster than
you can get an appointment with most HMO doctors.
DAN: Marla and Steve’s joint response to NCA was exhaustive,
helpful, and informative. Hell, I learned a thing or two.
A+. But their response lacked the bile, invective, profanity,
tangents, and poop jokes that are the hallmark of a true advice
professional at work. My job is saved!
For more from Marla and Steve—Marla explains why breastfeeding
is the “best” birth-control option; Steve and Marla lay into
one total douche—go to www.thestranger.com/savage/guests.
A
new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday
at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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