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I’m
working with Wikipedia, where we’re currently debating the
“Donkey Punch.” It may not be real, but Wikipedia has articles
on perpetual motion, sewer alligators, and creationism—so
why not Donkey Punching? The difference, though, is that the
Donkey Punch (fucking someone in the ass and then punching
them hard in the back of the head or neck, so that the sudden
pain and/or unconsciousness causes the asshole to constrict
spasmodically) is a lot more short-term dangerous. Therefore,
some editors have said the article should specify just how
risky and possibly even criminal it is.
A statement about the physical and legal risks of the Donkey
Punch, although we may think it self-evident, must come from
a reputable source. And who’s more reputable than Dan Savage?
So, yes, even though this is a stupid, brutal hoax whose risks
and fraudulent nature should be readily apparent, and even
though the Wikipedia article already quotes your description
of it as “a sex act that exists only in the imaginations of
adolescent boys,” could you spare a few lines to say that
punching someone in the back of the head or neck when they’re
not expecting it can cause horrible damage and may even be
criminal?
—An
Encyclopedia Geek
Who’s
more reputable than Dan Savage? I can think of a few hundred
million people on the North American continent alone. But,
hey, so long as my Wikipedia page—which, for the record, I
did not author and only found out about when a Web-savvy youngster
brought it to my attention—features that hyperflattering photo
of me, I’m happy to do my part for them.
Donkey Punching, kids? You’ve heard people joke about it and
other extreme and/or stupid sex acts. But while attempting
your Hot Karls, Icy Mikes, or Louisville Pluggers is unlikely
to result in injury, death, or incarceration, attempting a
Donkey Punch can lead to any or all of these unpleasant outcomes.
And not only is the Donkey Punch dangerous and likely to land
your ass in jail, the damn thing doesn’t even work.
“To
the best of my knowledge, there is no definitive reflex in
the human neurophysiology that induces involuntary tightening
of the anal sphincter after receiving blunt-force trauma to
the occiput, or back of the head,” says Dr. Jeffrey Bahr,
a faculty member at the Medical College of Wisconsin. So your
lover’s asshole is not going to spasm round your dick if you
give ’em a Donkey Punch. Your lover could, however, drop dead.
“Trauma
to any part of the skull can have serious ramifications,”
says Dr. Bahr. “Pain, intracranial hemorrhage, memory loss,
neck injury, and possibly some related sensory deficits in
the arms and legs. A strong enough blow to the back of an
unsuspecting person’s head could result in a vertebral fracture
which, I hope most people know, could cause paralysis or even
death.”
Does it even need to be said? No jury will accept “I was just
curious about whether Donkey Punching really worked” as a
defense. Attempt a Donkey Punch and it’s likely that your
asshole will wind up constricting spasmodically—around your
cellmate’s cock.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and we
often enjoy toe-curling sex. But in order for my girlfriend
to enjoy it, she needs to smoke pot. We’ve tried sober sex,
but it’s lukewarm and she doesn’t come. Should we be worried
about her needing this crutch?
—Pretty
Reliant On Pot
Google
“marijuana,” PROP, and wedged in there with the stories about
this week’s numerous, ineffectual pot busts—so many pot busts,
so little trouble buying pot—you’ll find this: A study conducted
by the reputable Scripps Research Institute in California
found that marijuana’s active ingredient—tetrahydrocannabinol
or THC—is more effective at preventing Alzheimer’s disease
than any of the legal drugs on the market today. (It may be
too late to save Ronald Reagan, but anyone out there that
wants to avoid his diapered fate would be well advised to
smoke up.)
And now it looks like we should add “helps at least one woman
out there achieve orgasm” to pot’s ever-expanding list of
beneficial effects. As that is the case, I would encourage
you to regard marijuana with a little less suspicion and a
little more gratitude. Look at it this way: If you wind up
marrying this woman and spending the rest of your life with
her, your wife will never have to fake an orgasm and she’ll
always know who you are.
Don’t Fuck Animals writes in: “To me, the foremost rule
of sexual ethics is consent, something animals are incapable
of granting.” Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? So when we see
animals fucking, should we break it up?
—Good
For The Goose
No,
GFTG, of course not. Animals can grant consent to other animals.
How do they do it? Well, through some sort of animal mind-meld
and/or nonverbal animal communication. But they can only communicate
like this, and consent to sex, with other animals. And humans
aren’t anima—Oh, wait, never mind. Next question . . .
It’s not every week that I find myself in front of the
computer jumping up and down yelling “Yes! Yes! Thank you!”
But your advice to GREEN, whose boyfriend is a controlling
jackass, was so right-on I couldn’t control myself.
I had a boyfriend in college who pulled the same crap on me.
Particularly the moody silent treatment when I glanced in
the direction of another guy. Dan, you did not paint too bleak
a picture. My ex turned me into a nervous wreck. It was like
living in a minefield, never knowing when some unintentional
misstep would cause an explosion. I finally did DTMFA, but
not before doing serious damage to some longstanding friendships.
GREEN, dumping the bastard will accomplish two things: It
will give him the opportunity to learn that he can’t treat
people like shit and it will give you the opportunity to build
up your self-respect. You will look back years from now, from
the comfort of a happy and mutually respectful relationship,
and be very grateful that you DTMFA’d that guy.
—Girl
Got Out
Regarding GREEN: First bad advice ever, Dan.
—Ten
Year Reader
My
advice to GREEN: Best ever, or totally suck-shit? An absolutely
massive sampling of the mail—including lots of letters from
men who were involved with women who used jealousy as a weapon—can
be read at www.the stranger.com/savage/green.
Wanna become a Savage Love listener? My very first podcasts—brought
to you by some tech-savvy youngsters—are ready to download
at www.thestranger.com/savagelove. If you want to record a
question for a future podcast, call (206) 201-2720. And, no,
that’s not a toll-free number, bitches. Deal.
mail@savagelove.net
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