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I’m
a divorced man and have been dating a married woman in an
open/poly relationship for six months. Her husband has been
occupied with his new girlfriend. As a result, his wife has
been spending a lot more time with me. She’s feeling (understandably)
abandoned by her husband, and I’m picking up that slack. While
I find her general GGG-ness incredibly refreshing, the truth
is that I find her boring. I’ve made it clear that she could
never be my primary partner, even if she didn’t have one already.
She assures me that she is fine with that, so long as I don’t
dump her for a monogamous primary partner. I have no experience
with this sort of situation. If this were a monogamous relationship,
I would break up with her so that I could look elsewhere.
Instead, I can keep this piece of cake and look for another
slice, too. Does it matter that I don’t see any long-term
potential between us? By what do I measure the success of
our relationship?
—Too
Many Slices Of Cake
I
slipped your letter to my buddy Matisse, a professional dom
who happens to be the only person I know in a successful long-term
polyamorous relationship. (Matisse blogs at mistressmatisse.blogspot.com.)
“The
success of a polyamorous relationship is measured by whether
or not it makes the people in it happy,” Matisse says. “By
that yardstick, Cake Boy, you’re coming up zero. You’re getting
nookie off a woman you find boring while you recover from
your divorce and look for better options. I don’t call this
polyamory, I call this opportunism.”
Matisse has called you on your bullshit, TMSOC, and I’d like
to call Mr. Poly Husband on his. Poly relationships simply
don’t work/aren’t ethical if a primary partner feels abandoned.
Healthy poly relationships require clear primary/secondary
roles, with primary partners always coming first (so to speak),
and any secondary attachments or partners coming in somewhere
from a close to a distant second. Mr. Poly Husband’s failure
to make sure his primary partner feels like she comes first
(primary does mean “ranked as most important”) leads me to
question not just his ability to be poly but his motives as
well. As for your motives . . .
“You’re
painting it with a thin veneer of compassion, but come on,
guy,” Matisse says. “If you want to be a pal to a woman whose
husband is temporarily insane with New Relationship Energy,
and who is thus feeling abandoned—take her to the movies,
don’t take her to bed. Her husband may be sprung on someone
else at the moment, but at least he’s not dumping her for
the new shiny thing, whereas you will.”
Matisse’s bottom line?
“If
you don’t love her and you’re not going to, then zip up your
pants and go home.”
My boyfriend refuses to give up coke for reasons I can’t
explain. I don’t make a stink if he smokes a reefer, I don’t
make a stink about the tranny sex he’s had in the past or
the his-and-her butt plugs he bought us in month two. He’s
well-read, witty, and sweet—but I’m seriously anti-drug for
my own reasons and he knows my stand. We’re reaching month
six and in spite of all his skeletons, I love him. But this
coke-hating sister can’t get serious about a man that can’t
commit to not doing coke. I need a man’s swift and brutal
opinion: What the fuck? Is this butt-plugging asshole trying
to sabotage our relationship by holding on to some libertarian
conviction that was started in ancient Rome?
—Coke-Hating
Sister
I’m not sure how the Romans factor into this, CHS, but here’s
the swift and brutal opinion: If a coke hating sister can’t
get serious about a man who uses coke, then why is this coke-hating
sister wasting her time on this trifling, tranny-banging,
coke-snorting brother? Either coke is a deal breaker for you,
CHS, or it isn’t. If it is, then don’t date him. But if this
butt-plugging asshole merits an exception—if the lift tickets
are balanced out by well-read, witty, and sweet—then date
him, girl, and stop bitching about it.
You suggested that Doing My Best, the good-looking Ivy
Leaguer who can’t land a girl, find a gay friend. Homos, you
implied, make the best wingmen, directing women your way in
bars and forcing you to talk to them. In return, you should
go to gay bars, dance shirtless, etc.
I disagree. My brother and I have had separate bad experiences
with gay male friends. Both of us are straight, easygoing,
and have no problems with queers—our sister is a lesbian.
We’ve found that it’s impossible to have a gay friend of the
same sex—especially if alcohol is involved. Eventually a pass
is made and the friendship ends.
—Burned
Straight Boy
Feigning friendship to get into someone’s pants? Surely no
straight man has ever stooped so low! Surely no woman—straight
or queer, single or married—has ever had the moves put on
her by a straight male friend! Surely!
Not,
as the kids once said.
I’m sorry you and your brother had bad experiences with fag
friends, BSB, but it happens. And let’s make an effort to
keep it in perspective: Hitting on a friend is an asshole
move that’s been used and abused by gay men, straight men,
and the odd woman. But not all gay men hit on their straight
male friends. I have four very close straight male friends,
BSB, and I’ve never hit on any of them. Why? Because I’m not
generally attracted to straight boys, for starters, and not
one of them is my type, for enders. As far as my libido is
concerned, my straight male friends might as well have vaginas.
And when I meet a straight guy who is my type (hey there,
Sal!), a friendship is out of the question. Together gay men
don’t want to be friends with men they find attractive for
the same reason together straight men don’t want to be friends
with women they find attractive. Why torture yourself?
So my advice to straight boys seeking a gay wingman is this:
If your prospective wingman only dates, say, muscular Asian
dudes, and you’re a muscular Asian dude, he’s going to hit
on you someday. But if your gay wingman only dates, say, hairy
muscle daddies, and you’re a skinny hairless rocker, your
gay wingman is unlikely to ever hit on you.
Your advice to get a gay friend is dead-on. I’m an outgoing
guy until I see a girl I’m interested in. My gay best friend
has helped me meet a lot of women. In the interest of fairness,
I return the favor at gay clubs. But a straight guy that goes
to gay clubs does get hit on. If you can get over that hang-up,
guys, it’s a real confidence booster. You also forgot to mention
that if the straight guy introduces his gay friend to the
man he marries, civil unions, or partners with, the two of
them have to keep helping the straight guy meet women. The
straight mafia is strict about that one.
—Not
Shy Anymore
Thanks
for sharing, NSA.
I would take your advice and get a gay best friend,
Dan, but where the hell do I find a gay man to be my buddy?
—Lonely
Hot Dude
The hottest gay men—wingmen, et al.—can be found at www.dlist.com.
mail@savagelove.net
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