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I
met a guy through a BDSM chatroom. It seemed like the perfect
no-risk adventure sex—he’s dom, I’m sub; he’s sexy as all
get-out, I’m fat in all the places he likes girls to be fat.
So we hook up. But instead of the one-time adventure I was
expecting, we hook up again and again. We talk for hours on
the phone and hang out naked watching TV and eating Chinese
food. It’s been a couple of months now, and I really like
this guy. Usually “dom” guys are not people I would want to
spend five minutes with outside of the bedroom. But we seem
to go effortlessly from friends and equals to mind-shatteringly
orgasmic power-exchange fucking, which always seems to end
up sweet and slow and feeling a lot more like lovemaking.
Should I just let things be good and enjoy it and see where
it goes? Or should there be an official “this is now a relationship
and I am opening myself up to the possibility of a future
with you” discussion? I am just so terrified of being dismissed
as a potential partner because of the way we met. What if
men (or at least this man) can have not just casual sex without
feeling attached, but also casual naked Chinese without feeling
attached—as long as they have already classified the woman
in their head as a fantasy-fulfillment booty call?
—Sex
Crazed Adventures Rarely Evolve Development
If
you want to scare this boy off, SCARED, then sit his ass down
for an Official Discussion (OD) and unilaterally upgrade this
thing from fantasy fulfillment booty calls to Serious Relationship.
No one—men, women, gay, straight, kinky, vanilla—likes to
be informed that they are now, like it or not, and without
any prior consultation, entangled in a Very Serious Relationship.
Even if this boy is open to getting serious—if he’s not the
kind of guy who would rule you out because of how you met—eight
weeks is way too soon for an OD. Badly handled, your OD could
put him on the defensive, SCARED, and make him view any future
mind-shatteringly orgasmic power-exchange fuck sessions as
some sort of implied commitment, one that he may not be ready
to make. It that happens, you can say goodbye to both the
fuck sessions and the possibility of a future.
However, you should let him know how you’re feeling, SCARED,
and you can do it without tossing down lightning bolts like
“this is now a relationship” and “I am opening myself up to
the possibility of a future with you.” Try something simpler
and sweeter, something truthful but less thunderclappy, something
like: “I’m totally digging you as a dom, which I expected
after our chats, and also as a person, which I totally didn’t
expect. I hope we can keep on fucking and hanging out.” He’ll
catch your drift, I guarantee you, and he’ll appreciate your
ability to let things develop naturally and without any hurry-up
ODs. Then chill the fuck out, enjoy the sex and the Chinese,
and see where it goes.
Finally, SCARED, if this guy is the type who would dismiss
you as a potential partner because of how you met, well, you
really can’t do anything about that, can you? It would be
extremely foolish for him to dismiss you for that reason,
though—and if he does, SCARED, you can tell him I said so.
It’s rare for a truly kinky person to meet someone with whom
he’s sexually and emotionally compatible. (Am I right, kinksters?)
If this dom boy has any sense at all he’s already picturing
a future with you.
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I’m a 100-percent straight guy from Toronto, very good
looking, all that shit. My girlfriend took me to a gay bar
in Vancouver, where she’s going to school, and this good-looking
femme boy started coming on to me. My girlfriend asked me
to make out with him because she thought it would be hot.
Long story short: He came back to her place with us where
he acted as my personal fluffer. He blew me while I ate out
the girlfriend, stroked me after I put the condom on, and
in general did everything he could to keep me rock hard—for
the girlfriend. Then I fucked the hell out of my girl while
my fluffer licked my balls and ass. I never came so hard in
my life. I thought I was going to shoot a few vertebrae right
out of my dick. I want to do this again, my girlfriend wants
to do this again, and my personal fluffer wants to do this
again. No real problem here, Dan, but do you think I should
turn in my straight-guy card now?
—Boy
Into New Orgasmic Ways
No,
BINOW, I don’t think you should turn in your straight-guy
card—but only because this whole scenario will be a whole
hell of a lot less horny for your personal fluffer if you
suddenly start identifying as bi. I would have to turn in
my fag card if I ruined this for him. So you can keep telling
your fluffer you’re 100-percent straight, he can keep pretending
to believe you, and your girlfriend can keep enjoying the
show. You don’t have to thank me—just send some video.
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Hi, I am a 21-year-old female in a loving relationship.
My problem is that I never come during sex. My boyfriend gets
frustrated and takes it personally. The only time I ever have
an orgasm is while using a vibrator or a faucet—it doesn’t
even happen when I play with myself manually. I don’t know
why, but I just . . . don’t. I’ve been told that it’s a psychological
thing. Also, it could have something to do with my past. I
was raised really Christian and for a long time I felt guilty
about having lustful thoughts and sexual desires. I feel like
something could be wrong with me. Why is it so easy for everyone
else? I want to have a healthy sex life, not just while I’m
alone but with men. What should I do?
—Feeling
Unbecoming
While
I’m naturally inclined to blame just about any sexual or social
dysfunction on a conservative Christian upbringing, FU, I’m
afraid that we can’t pin your orgasm issues on bible-thumpers.
Most women—the best estimates put it at 75 percent—can’t come
from vaginal intercourse alone, and a large number of women
can’t come from manual stimulation alone either. We’ve covered
this before, but it bears repeating: Lots of women need additional,
focused, intense, direct clitoral stimulation—you know, the
kind of buzz you get from your vibrator and faucet. It’s not
a psychological thing, FU, it’s a physiological thing, and
the sooner you accept that your body needs those extra boosts—and
the sooner you incorporate them into your lovemaking—the sooner
you’ll start coming during sex.
Here’s what you do: While your boyfriend fucks you, go at
yourself with your vibrator. Show him how you get yourself
off. Then once he’s seen how it’s done, hand him the vibrator
and tell him he can be a baby about it and sulk, or be a man
about it and get the job done. And if he wants to do it all
with his dick, send him to the Couples’ Vibrators section
of www.babeland.com, where he’ll find a selection of vibrators
he can wear on his cock. You can have a healthy sex life that
incorporates vibrators, FU, you just have to make peace with
the way your body works.
mail@savagelove.net
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