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I
am a female in my 20s and will soon be marrying my boyfriend
of four years. We met overseas via a personals site, and while
most things are great between us, we do have one issue: group
sex. He wants it, I don’t.
After we met, my fiancé brought up the idea of group sex,
and when I agreed (though not wholeheartedly, I agreed to
see what it was like) he was very proactive about putting
up a personal ad to meet other couples. We met a couple or
two. While I was OK with the encounters at the time, a day
or so after I was always kind of grossed out. We have since
moved back to the U.S., and his interest in group sex has
not abated. I agreed to try group sex again, which we did—and
again, I was fine during, but skeeved after. He knows how
I feel now, but I think he keeps hoping that I’ll change my
mind. Likewise, I keep hoping that he’ll lose interest at
some point.
Part of the issue is that while he did experiment with a couple
of guys and girls before we met, I was (and am) his first
and only penetrative sex partner. He also spends a lot of
time online, which has led him to believe that many people
have group sex and that it is a relatively normal thing to
do. At the time we met, I was portraying (and thinking of)
myself as a wild bisexual, but have since proved myself to
be anything but. I feel bad about “false advertising,” but
I feel that I have “grown up” and out of the need to explore
my sexuality. I feel that I’ve found someone with whom I am
completely happy and by whom I am completely sexually satisfied.
Every so often, he’ll catch me at a time when I think that
it won’t be so bad, and I’ll tell him that we can try the
group sex thing again, but after he’s placed the ad and has
started to get back responses, my pendulum has swung back
in the opposite direction. I don’t want to have sex with these
people; I just want to have sex with him. At the same time,
I want to want to have sex with these people. Do you think
that there’s any chance that it will ever happen?
—Want
To Want Group Sex
First
off, WTWGS, the online popularity of a particular sex act
or fetish is irrelevant where an individual’s kinks are concerned.
It’s not as if people sit at home in front of their computers
and wait for a kink to win a national popularity contest before
they adopt it. (“Hey, honey! Infantilism won America’s Next
Top Fetish! Break out the Pampers!”) So let’s be clear: Your
fiancé sought out group sex on the Internet because he was
into group sex, WTWGS, rather than developing a thing for
group sex after seeing how popular it was online.
As for how common group sex is in the real world, well, that’s
hard to say. If I had to hazard a guess I’d say it’s more
common than some might think and less common than some might
like. Until the national census includes a “Do you swing/engage
in group sex/swap partners/get into cuckolding” question,
more-reliable data is going to be hard to come by. But there
is one hard number I can share with you, WTWGS: 100 percent
of the men you’re engaged to are into group sex.
But I don’t need to tell you that, right? Your fiancé made
that quite clear to you all along. So while it’s wonderful
that you’ve found someone by whom you’re completely sexually
satisfied, WTWGS, it’s too bad your fiancé can’t say the same.
Which brings us to the false-advertising issue. He was up-front
about his desires and his need to be with someone who was
at least as sexually adventurous as he is. (He deserves credit
for being so up-front; some men would have married you first
and asked questions about group sex later.) You presented
yourself to him as the sexually adventurous girl he had been
looking for—you were the wild bisexual, the woman who, if
she didn’t quite share his passion for group sex, was at least
open to group sex. If you’re not that kind of woman—or not
that kind of woman anymore—then you need to spell that out
before the wedding. If marrying you means never having group
sex again, he needs to know that now. He may counter with,
“But being with me means having group sex!” If things reach
that impasse, WTWGS, then perhaps you shouldn’t marry each
other.
As for learning to want it, well, there’s one way to do that:
Will yourself to get over those skeeved-out feelings. You
may be done exploring, but the man you love may never be done
exploring. Go along with him on his explorations (which, as
they don’t seem to involve penetrative sex with others, sound
pretty damn safe), and learn to love his kinks as much as
you love him. And if that’s simply not possible—and I’m not
saying it would be easy or even advisable—then, well, reread
the previous paragraph.
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I am a 21-year-old male in a two-year relationship
with a 20-year-old girl. The first year we dated we were living
in the same city, but now we live an hour apart. My girlfriend
comes up to visit me almost every weekend, and I visit her
every once in a while. Up until three or four months ago we
had a very healthy sex life. Now we barely have sex. She claims
that it’s not that she doesn’t want me, but every time I come
on to her or mention doing anything sexual, even just making
out, she declines. She’s tired or needs to study. She says
stuff like, “We will do it tomorrow morning/tonight/when we
get back from the store,” but when the time comes she has
no interest.
I don’t know if she’s just no longer sexually interested in
me or what. I know that she loves me, and she tells me she
thinks I’m very attractive. We used to have sex a couple of
times a day. Now I’m lucky if I get it once or twice a month.
I love her very much and don’t want to lose her over this,
but I can feel it already coming between us.
—Hopeless
And Konfused
She
isn’t into you anymore, she’s seeing someone else, or she
isn’t into you anymore and she’s seeing someone else. So why
doesn’t she dump you? Because she’s trying to let you down
easy, HAK. Your girlfriend, being young and stupid, doesn’t
realize that a long, drawn-out period of constant, low-level
rejection—we’ll do it later, I’m still attracted to you, you
still turn me on—only makes the ultimate, unavoidable pain
of total rejection worse.
It’s a mistake that a lot of people make when they’re young,
HAK: We worry that the boyfriend or girlfriend we want to
be rid of will be devastated when we leave, so we string ’em
along, making ourselves (and our bodies) less available to
them, in a futile attempt to gradually wean them from our
irreplaceable selves. When we finally do get around to dumping
them, the hurt of being broken up with is compounded by the
humiliation of having been made a fool of.
In other words, HAK, it’s over. Your girlfriend doesn’t have
the decency to end it honestly, but you can have the self-respect
to end it yourself.
mail@savagelove.net
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