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I
am a 17-year-old straight girl with a boy problem—and as such
I am fairly sure it won’t be terribly interesting to read,
and will thus avoid publication, but I figured it would be
worth a try.
I’ve known this boy for three years. A year ago, he asked
me out but wanted me to keep the whole thing secret. We had
the prototypical movie-theater-back-row kissing extravaganzas.
Alas, we eventually split. I spent months crying and sulking,
openly loathing the prick. Eventually I gave up hating him,
and soon after we “hooked up,” as the youths call it these
days.
During a fateful conversation shortly thereafter he informed
me that I was no more than an easy, alcoholic “no big deal.”
This resulted in yet another period of sulking and crying.
I confronted him. Soon we were at it again and I was feeling
sluttish about my inability to have a platonic relationship
with a straight boy. His response: “Just because two people
have amazing sex doesn’t mean they’re not real friends.” Since
that conversation, we’ve gotten together a few times, but
never as friends. I never thought of myself as someone shallow
enough to go through all this just because he’s good in bed—Christ,
is he!—but I suppose that’s really beside the point. Anyway,
my questions:
1. Is it actually possible for two people to have both friendship
and sex?
2. Will anything more come from this? Is there any chance
at an actual relationship?
—Just
Another Silly Girl
1.
Yes, absolutely—and I speak from experience. (Hey there, Mike.)
2. Nothing will come of this, JASG. Sorry.
Let me clue you and other youths in on something that ought
to be covered in sex-ed but isn’t (nothing useful ever is):
Some people seek out sex partners for whom they feel nothing
or, worse yet, for whom they feel nothing but contempt. Why?
Because some people are insecure assholes, JASG. Since it’s
impossible to have sex with someone without making yourself
vulnerable, and since the more attracted you are to someone
the more vulnerable you have to make yourself, insecure assholes
will sleep with people they don’t care about. Being rejected
by someone you actually like and/or being exposed as a bumbling
beginner is scary, so insecure assholes avoid the emotional
risk by seeking out, say, an easily manipulated person with
low self-esteem.
The mistake you’ve made, JASG, is assuming that this guy must
like you because he wants to fuck you. While that’s often
the case, it’s not always the case, and this boy’s desire
to keep your relationship secret was a red flag. Now that
you know he’s been using you, JASG, you have a choice to make.
You can go back to loathing the prick, and that’s probably
what most people would advise you to do. But if you’re digging
the amazing sex, and you can accept that nothing more will
ever come of this relationship, hey, why not use him right
back?
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I’m a first-year student at a university in Canada. Everybody
is quite accepting of homosexuals like myself, so I don’t
have to deal with people calling me names and things like
that. However, discrimination is the least of my worries.
My roommate, let’s call him Stephen, has homosexual tendencies,
too, though I’m having doubts that he is completely gay like
me. Growing up in a rather conservative city in the U.S.,
it was great for me to become close to a rather free-spirited
Canadian. Though tall and confident, he is still in the closet
about these tendencies (the only person who knows about them
is me), so the rest of the people who live near us only know
me to be gay.
At the beginning of the year it was great. We would change
in front of each other, have great conversations, and once
we even had an inadvertent fling. But recently, things aren’t
carrying on in the same uninhibited way they used to. Lately
he comes home drunk from partying with straight guys, and
then crawls into my bed and has sex with me. The sex doesn’t
resemble the fling that happened earlier in the year—there
is no sweet talk, no personal connection. I don’t have the
heart to make him stop once he’s started, and afterward he
just goes into his bed and passes out. It’s hard to know how
to deal with this.
There isn’t anyone I can talk about this with. I feel like
it was fate that the two of us were assigned as roommates,
but on the other hand, he causes me a lot of unhappiness.
Should I confront him about the situation? I could tell him
outright that he’s hurting me, but that might lead to awkwardness
between us.
—Sometimes
Misery Doesn’t Love Company
You’re
also being used, SMDLC. Your drunken roommate isn’t ready
to come out as gay or bi, and so long as you’re willing to
be his private come dump he doesn’t have to. With you around
he can play it straight, get drunk with his pals, and have
all the gay sex he wants after each inhibition-lowering binge.
And while your predicament may sound desperately hot to others—I’m
gonna get lots of mail from guys offering to trade places
with you for a night—for you the hotness has worn off because
you’ve been out long enough, and you’re emotionally healthy
enough, to want something more from a guy than just his loads.
So what do you do? Assert yourself. You have more power in
your situation than JASG has in hers, SMDLC. While it would
be relatively easy for JASG’s boy to go find himself another
girl, your roommate can’t find another guy without taking
some baby steps out of the closet. So make up your mind about
what you really want, SMDLC, and what you’re willing to settle
for, and then confront your roommate. I doubt he’s ready for
a relationship, but at the very least you should be able to
leverage a little more compassion, tenderness, and sweet talk
out of him.
Regarding your ITMFA/impeach the motherfucker already campaign:
I usually enjoy your column, but lay off Bush. You hate Bush,
most of your readers hate Bush, congratufuckinglations. You
liberals are so fucking pathetic. Your guys get to run Congress
for 50 years and now, having been defeated, you can’t just
shut up. Why don’t you just concentrate on dicks?
—Good
Luck In ’06
Concentrating
on dicks is easy for me—I get letters from dicks every damn
day.
Speaking of ITMFA, perhaps I launched the campaign a bit prematurely.
Anyone who visited www.impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com knows
it wasn’t quite ready. I didn’t have the buttons or lapel
pins in stock, I didn’t have links up, and I didn’t have the
URL I wanted—www.ITMFA.com—because someone beat me to it.
As it turns out that person wasn’t a cybersquatter, as I called
him in this space, but a cool dude who gave me the URL—gave
it to me!—in exchange for my making a small donation to his
favorite charity, Right to Play (www.righttoplay.com), “an
athlete-driven international humanitarian organization that
uses sport and play as a tool for the development of children
and youth in the most disadvantaged areas of the world.”
So forget about that long URL: Visit www.ITMFA.com to see
pictures of men, women, cats, and babies sporting ITMFA gear,
order your official ITMFA buttons and lapel pins (for yourself
or send one to your congressperson!), and help spread the
meme. www.ITMFA.com!
mail@savagelove.net
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