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My
18-year-old sister met a creepy old man (COM) when he snuck
into a dorm party at my sister’s college. He proposed to her
on their first date after the party. Our parents were immediately
suspicious because of the large age difference—COM is older
than they are. My sister also told COM that our family is
well-off. This made them suspicious about COM’s sudden “proposal,”
so our parents hired a private investigator.
It turns out that COM is thrice divorced and has numerous
children. The PI also uncovered spousal-abuse charges, restraining
orders, two dropped rape charges, tens of thousands of dollars
owed in delinquent child support, a slew of canceled credit
cards, court judgments against him for other unpaid debts,
liens for unpaid taxes, repossessed cars, a foreclosure, several
DUIs, plus stalking charges. COM hasn’t worked in 10 years
and subsists on a small military pension that cannot be garnished
to pay his debts or child support. No wonder he wants to marry
my sister!
We showed my sister the PI’s findings. She denied that any
of this information was true, accused us of conspiring against
her, and is now more determined than ever to marry COM! My
sister will not listen to reason. Our parents have tried.
The PI has tried. I have tried. My friends and her friends
have tried to talk some sense into her—but she won’t hear
it. She’s planning a big wedding—for which our parents have
told her they are not paying—and says she’s in love with “an
older gentleman.” I am so worried about her and what COM will
do with her if she marries him.
Dan, is there anything we can do to prevent her from ruining
her life?
—My
Sister’s Keeper
Nope.
Your letter is so long, MSK, I feel somewhat obligated to
pound out an equally lengthy response, but “nope” pretty much
covers it. It’s your sister’s life and you can’t stop her
from ruining it. You and the parents have done your due diligence,
but any further attempts to pry your sister away from COM
will only cause her to cling to him more desperately. One
day your sister will leave the asshole and apologize to you
and your parents for not listening, and the only course of
action now is to avoid doing anything that pushes that day
further into the future.
And how do you avoid doing that? By shutting the fuck up already.
By allowing your idiot sister to screw her life up without
forcing her to deny that she’s doing just that. Let your sister
know that you’ve said your piece and you’re done. Once you’ve
stopped putting her in the position of having to defend COM,
maybe you can patch things up. And once you’ve patched things
up, MSK, maybe you can take your sister out and get her good
and drunk. And once she’s passed out, maybe you can slip an
IUD inside her.
I’m 47 and have three kids. One son is 19 and has his
own place, but my 22-year-old son and my 12-year-old daughter
live with me. My salary is a bit above minimum wage and I
live in a two-bedroom apartment, so I sleep in the living
room.
Some years ago I met someone, but he wasn’t interested because
I didn’t earn enough. Another man told me to leave my daughter
with my son the whole weekend if I wanted a chance with him.
I told him that, like it or not, my daughter is part of my
life. Some friends told me that guys were not interested because
I’m no longer “Playboy material.”
I have gained weight, but I’m not a monster! I always thought
that there’s one right person for everybody. Now I don’t know.
I know you will tell me that there’s someone out there for
everyone and that people find love at 50, 60, even 70. But
I want someone now. I want to go out, have sex, and have fun.
I have a good life—I read mystery novels, I watch TV, I surf
the Web. But I feel so alone and I just want to cry it hurts
so much! Please help me!
—A
Lonely One Needs Encouragement
I’m
going to tell you that there’s someone out there for everyone?
When did you start reading Savage Love? Last week?
I hate having to kick you when you’re down, but here it goes:
There isn’t someone out there for everyone. If there were,
no one would be alone, and I don’t need to tell you that there
are lots of unhappily single people out there. (Unhappily
single people are not to be confused with happily single people;
content singles get annoyed when folks assume that all single
people are miserable.) So the best advice I can give you is
to reconcile yourself to the possibility of being alone, while
at the same time making some changes that will increase your
odds of meeting someone. Novels, TV, and Web surfing are nice,
but they’re not great ways to meet men. (Well, Web surfing
is—but it’s not a great way to meet men who aren’t going to
judge you on looks alone.) If money is tight, charge your
22-year-old son rent. If it’s childcare you need, ask your
19-year-old if he can look after his sister once or twice
a month. Then get the fuck out of your apartment, ALONE.
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I wake up every morning thankful that the people I’ve
voted into power—men like George W. Bush—have more important
things to do than lick sperm off the ground or deal with the
results of drinking too much urine. Have a great day.
—Mike C.
No
disrespect to sperm-licker-uppers or urine drinkers everywhere,
but it’s entirely possible that the president can be counted
among their number. A person’s political leanings, competence,
and command of the English language tell us very little about
their private sexual conduct. Indeed, one study in the mid-’90s
found that conservatives were, on average, kinkier than liberals.
And as we’ve seen time and again, folks who bitch the most
about the sexual perversions of others are frequently perverse
motherfuckers themselves. Which means it’s entirely possible
that the president licks Dick Cheney’s sperm off the ground
three times a week, and that you, Mike, long to drink a tall,
warm glass of Bill Frist’s urine.
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Straight Rights Update: Earlier this month Republicans in
South Dakota successfully banned abortion in that state. Last
week the GOP-controlled state house of representatives in
Missouri voted to ban state-funded family planning clinics
from dispensing birth control. “If you hand out contraception
to single women,” one Republican state rep told the Kansas
City Star, “we’re saying promiscuity is OK.” On the federal
level, Republicans are blocking the over-the-counter sale
of emergency contraception and keeping a 100-percent effective
HPV vaccine—a vaccine that will save the lives of thousands
of women every year—from being made available.
The GOP’s message to straight Americans: If you have sex,
we want it to fuck up your lives as much as possible. No birth
control, no emergency contraception, no abortion services,
no life-saving vaccines. If you get pregnant, tough shit.
You’re going to have those babies, ladies, and you’re going
to make those child-support payments, gentlemen. And if you
get HPV and it leads to cervical cancer, well, that’s too
bad. Have a nice funeral, slut.
What’s it going to take to get a straight-rights movement
off the ground? The GOP in Kansas is seeking to criminalize
hetero heavy petting, for God’s sake! Wake up and smell the
freaking Holy War, breeders! The religious right hates heterosexuality
just as much as it hates homosexuality. Fight back!
mail@savagelove.net
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