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I
am a 26-year-old lesbian in a relationship with a 21-year-old.
We’ve been together for five years. She is a brilliant student
with a bright future. I love her but I feel that we need to
part.
I am worried about how she would get along financially without
me. I make good money and while I don’t totally support her,
she couldn’t pay rent and bills on her own without being fiscally
miserable. She doesn’t have friends she could move in with,
and her only source of income is a work-study job. She could
just get a regular job like most college students, but then
she’d have to give up many of the opportunities that she’s
earned by being a hard-working student.
Would it be wrong to want to help support her if I were to
move out? Like I said, I love her very much, but I want to
be on my own for a while.
—Good
Friend, Bad Girlfriend?
I’ll
get shitloads of angry e-mails if I don’t make this point,
so let’s get it out of the way: She’s 21, you’re 26, and you’ve
been together for five years? That means she was—oh the humanity!—16
and you were 21 when you met. While red-blooded Americans
love their barely legal lesbian porn, they frown mightily
on barely legal, honest-to-God lesbian love. For shame, tut-tut,
how do you sleep at night, etc.
Okay, GFBG, if she’s really that brilliant an undergrad, then
your girlfriend can figure out how to take care of herself.
A little fiscal misery, like a little barely legal lesbian
action, is a cherished part of the college experience—and
putting your own ass through college can be every bit as educational
as those other opportunities she’s earned through her hard
work.
So split, GFBG—unless . . .
You know, something about your letter sticks in my craw. What
21-year-old college student doesn’t “have friends she could
move in with”? If she has college-age friends, then she surely
has friends or friends-of-friends looking for roommates. I’m
concerned that she may have no friends at all other than you.
If that’s the case, GFBG, then you have been a very, very
bad girlfriend. As the older and wiser woman in this relationship,
it was your responsibility to encourage your then-teenage
lover to have a well-rounded social life—in other words, friends
in addition to a girlfriend. If you didn’t do that, GFBG,
if you consciously or subconsciously attempted to isolate
your young girlfriend, if you discouraged her from making
friends she could rely on if, say, you ever dumped her, then
you are in large part responsible for her predicament. If
that’s the case, then you’re morally obligated to offer her
short-term financial support once you split. Enough money
to cover rent for six months would give her the time to find
a job, make some friends, and get on her feet.
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Here’s one for you: My girlfriend and I have been living
together for two years, and we’ve talked about marriage and
kids. Like all relationships, ours wasn’t perfect. But what
really bothered me was my girlfriend’s relationship with her
brother. They were touchy-feely in a way that felt inappropriate.
Two weeks ago I came home and found my girlfriend in her brother’s
arms on the couch. They freaked at my sudden arrival and jumped
up, providing me with a clear view of the outline of the boner
in his pants. Guilt was on their faces. After he left I demanded
to know what was going on. At first my girlfriend insisted
that I had a dirty mind. I told her that I recognized a boner
when I see one, and she confessed that they had been having
incestuous relations since they were teenagers—and didn’t
think it was a big deal! I told her it was a huge deal to
me because (A) she’s cheating on me, (B) she’s cheating on
me with her brother, and (C) EWWW.
I asked her to move out, which she took very badly. Of course
everyone—family, friends, neighbors—is asking what happened.
I’m also seriously missing the woman I thought would be my
wife. Am I forcing my morality on her, as she insists? Or
is ditching her a no-brainer? I can’t even think clearly anymore.
Is this a case of DTBFA—dump the brotherfucker already?
—Serious
Incest Since Teens Appalled Him
What
is with the incest letters lately? Was the incest taboo rescinded,
and only SISTAH and I failed to get the memo? Motherfuckers,
brotherfuckers, fatherfuckers—just reading the subject lines
on my e-mails is giving me screaming nightmares. Eesh.
Listen, SISTAH: Dumping the brotherfucker was the right thing
to do—a no-brainer, a definite case of DTBFA. Would you want
the future mother of your children to regard incest as anything
other than the taboo-to-the-tenth-power that it is and, if
I have anything to say about it, always will be? And don’t
worry about your ex-girlfriend’s future prospects—there’s
a guy besides her brother out there for her somewhere. Google
can help her find a guy who has both a cuckold and an incest
fetish, i.e., the kind of guy who is not only turned on by
the thought of his mate being unfaithful, but would find it
extra-special nifty if his wife was cheating on him with her
own brother. That guy ain’t you.
As for your family, friends, and neighbors, refrain from telling
them the whole truth—your ex has enough problems without everyone
knowing she’s a brotherfucker. But when you’re asked why the
two of you broke up, SISTAH, you have every right to say that
she was cheating on you with another man.
There’s nobody else I can ask about this, so I hope you
can reply. I’m a straight woman in my mid-40s. I’ve been married
more than two decades. Ten years ago, my husband’s already
low sex drive disappeared altogether. He won’t talk about
it. I know he’s not having an affair.
I ran into an old lover and we had an amazing one-afternoon
fling.
Realizing I couldn’t live without sex any longer, I told my
husband (nicely—it is hard to say things like this to someone
you love) that I didn’t think he cared what I did, and he
didn’t disagree. (I didn’t tell him about the fling.) Now,
I’ve met a gentleman who is sweet and kind and attentive.
He is married and in the same situation I am. Discretion is
absolute, and we play safe. When we make love, I can’t believe
I waited so long.
This relationship has made me happier than I’ve been in years.
I feel alive, healthier, and all those little daily annoyances
bother me less. Coworkers have remarked on how “well” I look.
Is there anything wrong with what I’m doing? Is there anything
wrong with me that I am not feeling guilty?
—Frustrated
No More
You
have nothing to feel guilty about, FNM.
Your infidelity, your discretion, and your compassion are
saving not one but two marriages. While your actions fall
short of the romantic ideal of marriage, your marriage falls
short of that ideal—and so does your lover’s marriage. You’ve
both accepted your imperfect spouses for who they are, and
your imperfect marriages for what they are, and you’ve made
the kind of imperfect accommodation that allows many passionless
but otherwise valuable marriages to survive. In a case like
yours, FNM, infidelity can be the loving, responsible, marriage-salvaging
choice. Stop feeling guilty. Enjoy.
mail@savagelove.net
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