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My
sister, whom I’m quite close with, has been getting into S&M.
Recently she announced that she has acquired a slave. After
much thought and discussion on the matter, I am still having
a very hard time coming to terms with it. The problem I have
is that she treats him like a slave 24 hours a day. They are
planning a “collaring.” I’m the first person to admit that
I don’t understand all this. For this reason, I have had conversations
on the topic with my sister, but our last conversation ended
in her hanging up on me and we haven’t spoken since.
My husband and I are complete equals in every way and I just
can’t imagine how I can feel comfortable watching my sister
humiliate and degrade someone by ordering them around like
a slave. I sure wouldn’t sit back and allow someone to treat
her that way! We are all expected at my mom’s house for the
holidays, where we will be staying under the same roof. My
mother is not comfortable with the situation either. I realize
that I don’t have much choice but to suck it up if I want
to have a relationship with my sister. My sister compares
my feelings to the way gay people were treated when they first
started struggling for social acceptance. It makes me very
angry that she is so impatient with me. She told our father
about her new relationship when he was in town last week.
—Sister
& Mistress
This
advice may come too late, S&M, so please accept my regrets
if your sister and her slave have already come and gone. But
just in case everyone is staying at mom’s place through New
Year’s Eve—and your sister is still ordering her slave around
in front of the whole family—I wanted to address your sister
directly: KNOCK IT OFF, MISTRESS FUCKWIT.
Asking people to accept BDSM—the pastime, the lifestyle—doesn’t
give you the right to force other people to take part in it.
Your slave is no doubt humiliated when you treat him like
shit in front of others, and doubtless this humiliation turns
him on. BDSM subs are like that. So, MF, when you humiliate
him in front of your family members, you’re forcing them to
play an active role in your sex life. That’s not asking for
tolerance, that’s demanding participation. And that’s not
OK.
You brought up gays and lesbians, and our struggle for acceptance.
Sorry, MF, but the comparison is not apt. Not once in our
struggle for social acceptance have gays and lesbians demanded
the right to have sex in front of our relatives. We want to
be accepted by our families, tolerated by strangers, and treated
equally by our government. But people who don’t want to watch
us have sex aren’t compelled to.
This Mistress/slave stuff is, at bottom, about sex. Yeah,
yeah: It can be sooooooooo much more than that, some 24/7
BDSM folks insist. Some people feel dominant or submissive
deep down in their kinky souls, and they build their lives
around those roles. I get it. And dare I say it? Some of my
best friends are 24/7 BDSMers. But BDSM isn’t ultimately who
you are, it’s what you enjoy in bed—or in the dungeon, the
playroom, the fetish club, etc. Here’s a rough rule of thumb:
If you’re talking about something that gay, straight, and
bisexual people can all do—fisting, snowballing, BDSM—then
it’s a sex act, not a sexual identity. However many times
you collar your slave, however many slave contracts he signs,
however many nights he sleeps in a cage, it’s still a sex
act, and forcing your family to watch you treat him like your
slave compels them to participate in your sex life. And, again,
that’s not OK.
Sensible BDSMers—and, yes, I include 24/7 BDSMers in that
group—keep the heavy stuff behind closed doors and keep it
subtle when they’re out in public or with their families.
That’s not oppression, Mistress Fuckwit, that’s common courtesy.
I
love my husband so much, but I have this male friend
at work that I just really click with. He is really funny
and nice and witty. He was really down in the dumps a couple
of weeks ago because his grandmother, whom he was really close
with, had just died. He came into my office and I was talking
to him about it and comforting him. I started hugging him
and the next thing you know I was giving him a handjob. I
wasn’t even thinking about it—I just did it. Then I honestly
thought, “I don’t want to make a mess in here,” so I swallowed
his come. Now I don’t know what to do. We are still just friends,
but I can’t decide if I should tell me husband about the “incident.”
Can you help me?
—Just
One Break
Excuse
me, JOB, but do you really expect me to believe that you were
innocently comforting some dude whose grandmother just croaked
and that somehow led to innocent hugging which in turn somehow
led to a “next thing you know” handjob? Oh, and once the grief-stricken
coworker got ready to shoot his load, JOB, your concern for
the cleanliness of your office prompted you to swallow his
load? Where the fuck were folks like you when my grandmother
died? My brothers and I weren’t that close to her, but I’m
sure they could’ve faked it for a little grief counseling,
JOB style.
But I haven’t really answered your question: Should you tell
your husband about this incident? If you think it was a one-time
thing, if it really did just “happen,” and if you’re sure
it won’t happen again, then spare your poor husband—this man
you love so much—the incredible details and absurd
rationalizations.
Personally, JOB, I could forgive my boyfriend for jerking
off some dude he thought was funny and nice and witty—hell,
I’d wanna watch—but I would have to slap the gay right off
his face if his admission came bobbing along in a similar
stream of bullshit. “And then the next thing I knew, honey,
I was beating him off because, golly, I wasn’t thinking about
it and, gosh, I only swallowed his load because I didn’t want
to make a mess.” If you decide to tell your husband you cheated
on him, JOB, don’t make things worse by insulting his intelligence
too. Tell him you were into this guy and you took advantage
when he was vulnerable and you ate his spunk because you dug
him. And then tell him you’re sorry—even if it’s a lie, which
I’m guessing it would be.
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I’m
a 26-year-old woman and a “devotee,” which means that I am
primarily attracted to men with disabilities. I appreciate
the recent column you did on the sex lives of people with
disabilities, although I was a little dismayed by the follow-up
letter from a disabled man who said that having a relationship
with a devotee is “emotionally crippling.” While I thank you
for sticking up for us, I also want to point out that there
are a lot of devotees who have no desire to torment a man
in a wheelchair. I simply find wheelchairs very sexy and it
has nothing to do with helplessness. I’m sorry if some disabled
men have had bad experiences with devotees, but I know for
a fact that there are plenty of men out there who have had
wonderful experiences.
—Loves
Guys In Chairs
Thanks for sharing, LGIC.
mail@savagelove.net
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