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What
would you make of someone who intentionally leaves a pubic
hair on your toilet seat every time he visits your home? This
guy is ostensibly straight (married, even). I’m gay and my
boyfriend and I have known him since college.
Anyway, I initially thought the pubic hair thing was just
a coincidence, but for five years now I’ve found a single
pubic hair on my toilet seat after every visit from him. He
and his wife come over about once a week, and he always uses
“my” bathroom (instead of my boyfriend’s, which is just as
convenient), so it’s been pretty easy to isolate the source
of the pubes. I realize that some people shed more than others,
but he’s not a hairy person, so the shedding of several hundred
pubic hairs in the exact same location is obviously not just
by chance.
Because I’m not attracted to him, I don’t give much thought
to his numerous hang-ups. But the pube thing has me a bit
puzzled, if only because it’s so damn weird. I can’t decide
if it’s a demented attempt at eroticism, a passive-aggressive
insult, or something else entirely.
—Puzzled
By Pubes
Here’s
an interesting, seemingly unrelated anecdote, PBP: I bought
a new legal pad a few months ago and when I went to use it
a photo fell out. It was a picture of a man and a woman having
sex. The image wasn’t some random porn shot clipped from a
magazine; no, the couple in the photo were average looking,
the photo was of poor quality, and it was clear from the angle
that the man in the photo was holding the camera when the
picture was taken. So how did it get in my legal pad?
There are freaks out there—and I use the word “freak” in the
sex-positive sense—who get off on leaving pubes, photos, semen,
and other sexually charged ephemera in places where innocent
bystanders will happen upon them. Take, for instance, the
perv—I use the world “perv” in the sex-positive sense—who
sent me this note: “I like jacking off in strange settings,”
this perv wrote, “because I get really turned on by leaving
my cleanup refuse in open view for whomever may be next in
line to use the bed, toilet, or what have you after me. For
example, when I was on an overnight train I left my tissues
in a magazine rack next to the bed. The idea of strangers
handling my semen is just too much to resist.”
I suspect your college buddy derives a similar thrill from
leaving his pubic hairs on your toilet seat. Is this about
some secret attraction to you? Maybe, maybe not. Like the
perv who leaves his used tissues in magazine racks, the pube
perv has no way of knowing that you even realize he’s placing
stray pubes on your toilet seat. What’s more, I doubt very
much yours is the only toilet seat he’s terrorizing. (Hairrorizing?)
He’s probably doing it to dozens of his friends and the gender
and sexual orientation of his victims may be irrelevant.
So what do you do? Well, you could walk up to him in front
of his wife holding one of his pubes with a pair of tweezers
and say, “I believe this is yours” in a loud voice. He’ll
deny it, of course, which will force you to lay out your case—something
that will be difficult to do without sounding like you’re
sexually obsessed with him. It would be wiser, therefore,
to tape one of his pubes to a piece of paper on which you’ve
written, “Knock it off, perv,” and mail it anonymously to
the hairrorist. Since he won’t know which one of his numerous
victims sent the note, you’ll be doing everyone he knows a
service.
Oh, and one last thought to help put things in perspective:
I have a letter in my inbox from a man who indulges a similar
impulse when he uses his friends’ bathrooms. But he doesn’t
just leave his pubes behind: “I quickly rub one out,” he writes,
“and then put a tiny amount of my come on my friends’ toothbrushes.
I know it’s wrong, and I feel bad about it, but I can’t stop.”
Those pubes seem positively benign in comparison, don’t they?
I recently started a new job. Due to the nature of this
job I am subject to random drug testing. If I were to fail
even one drug test I would immediately be fired. Even worse,
the government credentials needed to work in my field would
be revoked. I would be unable to work and my career would
be over. I do not do, and have never done, drugs. So why is
this a problem? Well, I like to drink piss. It’s not something
I do every day but it’s an important part of my sexuality.
So, the big question: If I were to drink the urine of a person
who has used drugs, would the chemical markers of their drug
use turn up in my own pee, causing me to fail my drug test?
As I do not always know my partner’s drug status this is a
serious concern of mine.
—Piss
Brings Risk
I’m
sorry, PBR, but this very important part of your sexuality
is putting your career at risk—but, hey, don’t take my word
for it.
“I
wanted to share this warning with your readers,” writes another
piss-drinking perv. “My Master and I have a relationship in
which he uses me, with my consent, as his urinal. Two days
after I spent a couple days with my Him I was hauled in for
a random drug test. I came back positive for marijuana, despite
not having smoked pot in over 10 years. I am now suspended
from my employment and may be dismissed.”
So what do you do, PBR? You either get into another line of
work or you drink only the piss of folks you know to be clean
and sober. If Narcotics Anonymous doesn’t run a support group
specifically for piss tops, perhaps you should start one.
I wanted to second your advice for HORNYW, the woman whose
husband is working to get over his impotence.
I was gay, 33 years old, and I’d never been able to climax
with a partner. I was so worried about performing that I couldn’t
relax, and that of course made it worse. Then I met a man
who was quite sexually experienced. The first few times we
fooled around I could tell he wanted for us both to climax,
but he never pressured me. Finally we talked about it and
I tearfully told him how I wasn’t able to climax. He said,
“Okay, we are not going to climax in bed no matter how either
one of us feels for the next two weeks. Fooling around without
climaxing is just fine with me.” Knowing that climaxing wasn’t
on the menu allowed me to relax and just enjoy myself. A little
before the two weeks were up I was ready and he sensed it
and led me to climax.
So take it from me, HORNYW: If you take the pressure off,
maybe you’ll both get what you want in the end.
—Still
With Mr. Patient And Thoughtful
Thanks
for sharing, SWMPAT.
Dan
Savage’s new book—The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage,
and My Family—is on sale now.
mail@savagelove.net
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