am a 34-year-old woman. I recently became reacquainted with
a boyfriend from college and we write each other daily e-mails.
He lives in Alaska and I live on the East Coast. We hadn’t
seen each other since 1993. We only broke up then because
we were both graduating and headed our separate ways. We have
continued our snail-mail and e-mail correspondence on and
off for the last 12 years. I always ended it, and he would
pursue it again several months later, and I would cave. I
usually ended it because of my being seriously involved with
other men. Anyway, me and college boy decided it was time
to see each other again and got together for five days in
New Orleans. We had fabulous sex every night and enjoyed each
other’s company all day. Then we parted ways again.
A few days later, I called him and told him I loved him. He
said it wasn’t reciprocated. However, he continues to write
me daily e-mails. He often tells me he thinks I’m beautiful,
sexy, smart, funny, etc. For a guy who’s not interested, he
sends some very mixed signals. He claims he was never
in love with me, though, and doesn’t think he’ll ever love
anyone romantically. Oh yeah—the last person he had sex with
before me in New Orleans was me in college. He hadn’t had
sex in twelve years! He lives in Alaska and works six
to eight months of the year doing remote jobs where he works
usually with all men, and often alone. He’s a very rugged,
tough, solitary man’s man (and sooooooo sexy). He often asks
me to call him and sends me little packages of CDs and DVDs.
What do I make of this? He’s already said he’s terrified of
my showing up in Alaska and thinks I’m too into him, but then
he turns around and tells me there’s nothing wrong with me
and he thinks I’m awesome. What do I make of all this?
you know what the funny thing is about mixed signals, OCC?
In most instances mixed signals are actually one loud, clear,
unmistakable signal: “I’m a fucking mess! Run! Run! Run!”
The reason you can’t decipher the singular signal Alaska Boy
is sending you, OCC, is because you’re suffering from a bad
case of Wishful Thinking Syndrome (WTS). This man is damaged
goods, OCC, but you’re so in love with him that you can’t
see him for what he is.
So how do we know he’s damaged goods? Let’s count the ways:
For starters he’s a single man who chooses to live in Alaska,
which should be renamed the Alaskan National Damaged Goods
Refuge. He also says one thing (“I don’t love you, I’ll never
love you”) and does another (e-mails, compliments, explosive
sex), which is always and everywhere a bad sign. Like a lot
of DG men, he wants to feel like he has a girlfriend and/or
lover without having to say the words. He also clearly enjoys
messing with your head. Run, run, run.
I have these friends. They are married and have a small
child. The guy is a great friend of mine. He’s very intelligent,
sincere, and levelheaded. I could go on and on about him,
he is a great person. The woman is probably one of the coolest
people I have ever encountered. She’s so sincere and thoughtful.
She is also drop-dead gorgeous.
My problem is that I am totally attracted to her and I can’t
fight this feeling anymore. We’ve never had a secret meeting
or intimate encounter, but it seems like we could. I’ve never
acted on my feelings due to the fact that I have been friends
with both of them for so long. But when we’re together I always
get this vibe from her. We get along great and our conversations
always have a flirtatiousness that no one picks up on besides
us. What a predicament! There is no telling what could happen.
Should I act on this or should I just get a life and find
another girl? I’d love to hear some feedback because I can’t
share this with any of my friends.
or Sex Endangers Resolve
this feeling, LOSER.
Setting aside the issue of just how scummy it would be to
make a pass at a friend’s wife—particularly when the couple
has a small child!—nothing in your letter convinced me that
this woman is actually attracted to you. You say you detect
subtle flirtatious vibes. But are you, admittedly smitten,
the best judge? Could there be some other reason why “no one
picks up on” this mysterious vibe except you? Could you too
be suffering from a bad case of WTS?
Here’s what I suspect is going on: This woman knows how you
feel and smiles and nods when you steer the conversation in
a flirtatious direction. Why? Because you’re her husband’s
friend and she doesn’t want to embarrass you by telling you
that she would rather eat her own shit than fuck your vibin’
ass. To spare you the humiliation of hearing those three magic
words (“Not gonna happen”), LOSER, she lets you flirt. “Even
if I felt the same way he must know nothing can come of this,”
she tells herself. “I’m married and a mother and he’s my husband’s
friend!” If you were to make the mistake of explicitly hitting
on her, LOSER, I promise you she won’t endure you any longer.
Nor will her husband. Find another girl.
I am a straight guy, reasonably cute, who in recent months
has begun to attract women of a much higher caliber than before.
Specifically, I’ve been able to involve myself physically
with a very attractive woman I met over the course of job-related
travels (call her “A”) while starting to casually date another
very attractive woman right here at home (“B”). I want to
go back in time 10 years with pictures of these girls and
show them to my 16-year-old self.
Soon, Ms. A will be coming to visit for a few days, just as
things have begun to move forward with Ms. B. Things are casual
enough in both cases that I don’t have any attack of conscience
in enjoying A’s company while she’s here (especially since,
after she leaves, B is without competition).
But the mind gets to thinking . . .
While these exceptional women (who are for some reason attracted
to me) are both in the same location, perhaps I could up the
ante a bit? In short, could I get these two into a threesome?
Enjoying the company of two women is something I’ve experienced
twice but I’m worried that trying to get the trifecta here
will spoil my chances with both A and B. How can I best use
this very narrow window of opportunity?
A know about B? Does B know about A?
These two details are conspicuously absent from your letter,
HOW. If the two hot women know about each other, and it’s
an established fact that they don’t mind sharing you, well,
then they might be up for a three-way. But if they don’t,
well, then we’ve got our third case of WTS in this week’s
mailbag. If both of these hot women assume they’re the one
and only person you’re seeing at the moment, HOW, letting
them know about each other’s existence in the form of a request
for a three-way could have disastrous consequences. You could
wind up going back in time and showing your 16-year-old self
pictures of the hot women you had and lost.